The Ugly Side of Tzedakah

Hello everybody. After about 18 months of silence, I truly need to vent! LOL I am living through the strangest (at least to me) situation and I desperately need a sounding board.

A few months ago one of my children had a playdate with a boy from school. This child of mine
can be quite shy, and I was happy to see him doing things with someone his age. We came into
contact with this new boys' family, and had them for yontif, shabbos, and more play dates.

Through comments made by the parents I knew that they weren't doing so well financially.
When I saw the house, it made all past nightmare stories seem like fairy tales. I'm doing better
about reading into the nuances of the Jewish world, and everything about this home environment screamed "We're destitute, We're exhausted and We can't handle our lives!"

One day as I was driving by a free pantry for kosher food, I saw the father leaving with a cartfull
of groceries. My heart absolutely broke. I started having them over just to keep them from having the expense of Shabbos-and I always did this in the most genteel way under the pretenses of a playdate. I felt fortunate that Hashem put this opportunity in front of me-an opportunity to make their lives a tiny bit easier and to save them from making yontif, etc.
I have never seen 3 children under 8 devour an 18 pack of string cheese, but I was happy that I could help to keep a child from being hungry.

My husband had a part time position come up under him, and we talked about offering the father of this family the job. He is unemployed and "learning" while the wife works full time to support their many children. I had learned that the greatest tzedakah one can give is to give another the opportunity to earn parnassah. If this man could do well at this part time job, there was room to grow and potentially be able to support his family. For now, it was very flexible and could easily be done at night.

My husband set him up with a computer and all of the programs he would need, and personally trained him, taking a lot of time out of his own hectic schedule. He offered him a set amount of money for a few hours a day of work to see how he would do before commiting to a more permanent arrangement.

Yesterday he came over for some help. My husband was just exhausted -it was 10 at night and he had just come home from work. So, this guy asks me "Why does your husband work so much?" My reply was to put food on the table. Then he says "Why does he need to work to do that? He can just learn and go to the food pantry" Like he had some big secret and we were a couple of morons. I said "Baruch Hashem, our months aren't always easy, but we can afford groceries. To which he replies, knowing that we're not living high on the hog "Well, you're not as poor as me if you don't need it! I was in such shock that I actually had to excuse myself. I didn't realize until this point just what his mentality was. Was this some kind of contest? I'm poorer than you? I'm more of a nebuch? And who is he to judge what being poor is? I came from such a different life that just not being able to make our kids full tuition makes me feel horrible. He went on to tell us how he gets everything from tzedakah, while we have a house payment, tuition payments, health insurance out of pocket,etc, and he gets it all for free!

I spent a lot of time today thinking about this system and how disgusting it is. I questioned where I give tzedakah, and if I can give it somewhere where people are trained to help themselves, but in the end, it all trickles down to the same place.

Tonight this guy called my husband. The work was taking longer than he thought it would. He didn't have time to learn today. He wanted more money. He wanted paid only in cash with no SSI taken out or amounts turned in to the IRS. What was the reply when my husband asked why? He will lose his health insurance and foodstamps if he shows any income. He doesn't feel that this is "worth it" right now. It's just not enough money-he actually said it was nicer to take tzedakah because than he can learn and he feels that our community cares about him.

What kind of sick Yeshivish/Kollel post-Nazi society have we created? Tzedakah-both giving and getting-is such a beautiful part of our Yiddishkeit. IY"H none of us ever need to take it, but in reality, most of us do at some time. People lose jobs, cars break down, tuition in expensive, etc. I have needed small amounts from time to time, when I was a single mother to make Pesach one year, and I realized that when I was in a better place that we would "pay it forward." I looked forward to earning more money so that we could give more. Unfortunately, after this experience, I'm left with the taste of bile in my mouth.

This sort of thing can't possibly last. I mean, I'm not even going to get into the system of basically extorting money from parents to get a shidduch, and the mentality of these bochurs that they deserve the best because they are in kollel. That's a whole other 30 blogs to come. Eventually, when a wealthy man has 6 kids and 80 grandchildren, the money will run out and someone needs to get a job and learn how to support his family.

I can't see how a man's obligation in his ketubah in null and void. How can he sit on his butt while his wife works all day, and still have any self esteem? How can he see no food in the pantry and not go get a night job at Target? At what point does our community and those in charge of funds say "Get a job!" I know of Lubavitch communites that don't accept new families unless the HUSBAND has a job-for fear that they will become a charity case. Is this principal impossible to re-create in a more misnogdish circle? Can we only offer charity to those who are either completely incapable-mentally or physically, or to those who are obviously helping themselves?

Pity seems to be the tool of choice. No one wants hungry children on their conscience, so they pay out, but they do so with contempt. I spoke with the administer of one local charity that sees the same people week after week and no one seems to have any bushah with having their hand out because they're "learning."

I'm not quite sure where to go from here, but my wonderful feelings from helping this family are gone. I still will, but out of pity, not because I feel it's the right thing to do. I too have contempt, and wish I were not in my social position, for if I were able to I would really love put this guy up against a wall and tell him what I think about his lifestyle. Only the rabbaim are able to put an end to such a way of life, but by doing so, they would have to admit that their own system isn't working and put an end to a mass exploitation of frumkeit.

Let the talmidei chachomim sit and learn all day. what are there, like 10 per generation? Everyone else can go to yeshiva for a few years and start taking care of their halakhic responsibilites towards their familes and communities. We don't need cities like Lakewood, because there are not thousands of rabbaim coming out of such places qualified to lead Jews and give courageous psak. At the most,they're producing mediocre chinuch rabbis. What's so wrong with getting semicha for one's own knowledge and then going on to University? What's so horrible about working as a broker or an electrician, and then learning a few nights a week? We are perfectly capable of supporting ourselves and living shomer mitzvot lives, but I'm afraid that it's just easier for most people to put out their hand and sit in beis medrash.

My husband is a torah scholar who works 18 hour days. He kills himself for his Torah. He fights sleep, or wakes up at 4 in the morning after a few hours of sleep to learn, and I see his learning soar to new heights constantly. I don't think anyone can be great at anything without fighting for it, and I'm disgusted by what I'm seeing because it means we're going to have a lot of people taking the easy route in the name of frumkeit, and hiding behind their rabbaim so that they don't have to sweat and bleed in order to have the pride of putting food on the table for their 9 kids. Thousands of people have convinced themselves that this is the way to be, but many a scholar had a menial job. Hillel himself was a woodchopper, the modern day equivalent of a garbage man. Who today could possibly doubt his genius or holiness? I'm afraid of what will happen if we don't again start to embrace what always just was a part of our culture. Greatness in Torah comes from work. We can't taste it's sweetness when we never toil. We can't appreciate everything we live for, our Shabbos, if we can't embrace that the other six days in the week were made by Ha Kodesh Boruch Hu for a reason. Melachah.

I received an offical mazel tov last evening. The vaad approved my conversion for late August.

I felt immediate relief, but also a disconcerting feeling of ambivalence. Not so much about my conversion, but about what else I want in my life. I have put so much time and effort into my Jewish life that I've lost the other part of myself. And, I came to the conclusion last week that most of my effort in the past 6 months has gone into worrying about the social issues of being Jewish instead of the spritual side of things. This was a very difficult thing to admit.



I spent last week at the shore with my "extended" family. I felt very relaxed, and part of me felt relieved to get away from the frummies. I took my kids to the beach every day and I never had to worry about tznius, because my one piece suit and sarong looked like full body armor next to the teenagers micro-bikinis. A few days into the vacation, I felt a depressed. This was a more affluent vacation spot-very waspy and preppy. At one time in my life that was the epitome of myself, and I no longer fit in. I looked at this people in such a different light. It was never so apparent to me how much I have changed and would continue to change. I did a lot of soul searching and have made a commitment to put more of my time into my spiritual connection with Hashem and to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about me socially. When I came to Judaism, I had to not care about what my own parents thought of me, but then I started hoping for approval from Jews who I had trusted and grown close to, and often felt let down. I have to get back to the place where I was last summer. Where my convictions were strong and I was a good person no matter what anyone else may have thought.



I think that the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my relationship. It has certainly had it's ups and downs. I love this man with all my heart and at moments feel as though I never had, but I have been having a lot of doubts. Not about my love for him or his for me. About our ability to work in the future, and it's so hard to know because we didn't have a typical relationship. We never really dated. My kids are so attached to him. When we have tried to keep our distance I felt whole-heartedly devastated-as though I couldn't breathe without him around. Our connection always seemed to bring us back together. He had made me better myself, and become more secure in myself. At times I feel as though we could take on the world, and at other times I feel very scared, and I just don't know if it's my own ins



Knowing him for the good part of a year and having any touching/kissing ending up causing a fight and guilt on his part has been difficult. I do everything I can to shove my feelings down, but I think my insecurities cause a lot of tension between us. I'm sexually frustrated, and who knows how long this will go on. I hate admitting this, but it makes me very cranky and not always easy to be around. The fact that he's so controlled makes me worry that I'm not attractive enough-or that his attraction for me isn't strong enough. He knows that flowers are important for me and has never bought them for me. I worry about his learning, and his not wanting to be social. It comes off as extreme arrogance on his part. I wish we could chat with another couple, and he's just not interested, which gives me a dim view of what my shabbos table will look like. I could add up 20 things on this level, and I feel that maybe it won't work, and then I think I'm being petty and immature. Life isn't about flowers and holding hands in public. But, do we really want the same things? Am I settling? Am I good enough for him?

The pressure of being involved with someone in the public eye has gotten to me. I worry about everything I say, If I'm too loud, etc. I have always had an off-colour sense of humour which has caused him great embarrassment. Does this mean that I'm not right for the frum world at large, or just not the right fit for a Rabbi? A few months ago it seemed that my whole life was working out, and now, more than ever, it just seems up in the air. Before I knew that I wanted to marry him. Now I know that I love him, but I'm not sure, and I'm terrified of another mistake, of another divorce. Does it all come down to him paying me extra attention and planning dates and buying flowers? What if he did all of these things and I still didn't think it was right? A year ago I knew that I might never get married. After having an impending marriage seem so close, I can't imagine going back to that-accepting that it could never happen. I'm terrified of settling and equally terrified of walking away from what could have been the best thing for me.Today is my 29th birthday. I feel that I should be more sure of myself at this point in my life. I feel that I should know myself better. This year has been nothing but Judaics. I don't have a job that I enjoy, and I took a year off of school and am feeling frustrated that I'm so behind with my education. In order to convert, I had to give up so many things this year that were and are important to me, and I'm just not feeling as secure and strong as I used to. I think that my self esteem has suffered by not taking classes. I want so much to be with him, but if it's not imminent, then I'm wondering if we should just be apart, or see other people. Should I keep dragging it out an impossible situation? Should I say "Let's date again when we're able to date and both ready to move forward?" Would it be better for me to go into my Jewish life alone?

Inventory Liquidation

Suede Gucci Shoes, $20 dollars

Chanel necklace, $160 dollars

Rolex with diamond face, $2700 dollars

Selling my life on Ebay to avoid bankrupty
and potentially be a Jew...

Priceless

Rules of Engagement

Perhaps I should call this post"Rules of Breaking an Engagement."

I've been pretty down in the dumps since doing so. With my conversion not going through at the time I was lead to belive it would, I think we started taking out our frustration on one another, and there were several things about him that were sending off alarm bells in my head. At first, through the sadness, I felt a bit of relief. No more bickering, etc. Now I'm just feeling pretty hopeless. I'm wondering if I expected too much or deserve as much as I'm expecting. This would be the second time around for me-should I have been so demanding?

What makes me equally, or admittedly more sad than breaking up with him, is the loss of his family, and even the idea of being with him. When I made the choice to convert, I knew I may never get married. He and his family offered me things that were beyond my wildest dreams.

He was very accepting of me in every way-from my being a divorced mother, and from being a convert-He never made me feel that I wasn't good enough. If anything, He felt that I had a deeper connection to Hashem because of it. He was an incredible father to my children, and they are missing him terribly right now. I had never even let another man meet my children in the almost 5 years I have been a single mom. He was a Dad in every sense of the word-so much more than their biological father-and he was there every night helping with homework and davening, baths and bedtime.

His family was incredible to me-actually, they still are. Our parents got along, they love me so very much-they made me feel like a real daughter. They offered to help us buy a home. That's another thing-I always had planned on moving East eventually-with his family a block away, the idea of settling where I am, still close to my own family-became very appealing.

I guess I'm still at the point where I miss him so badly that I'm forgetting about the bad things and only seeing the good. And there was a lot of good-I just don't know if it was good enough. I want a wonderful father for my children, but I also want a wonderful relationship for myself where I feel special and appreciated. I would have liked to receive flowers once in this 5 odd months-or go out on more than one real date. Our relationship started out so unexpectedly-we were friends for a good while first, and we never really dated.

I don't know how I can trust myself again, trust my heart again. I truly believed and felt deep in my bones that this was right, and that this was what Hashem had planned for me.

I think that this may be my biggest conversion test. And I honestly don't know if I'm going to pass it. I went to my mother's yesterday with my kids-I just needed a day away. I have never been away for shabbos, and I was hoping to come back missing Shabbos so terribly, but I kind of liked being home. I know I wasn't truly happy with my old life-I know that I wanted a more meaningful and spirtual existence, but at times like this, slipping back into my WASP-y way of things sounds just fine. Becoming the prodigal daughter within my family-I could do no wrong after this.

I came into this process expecting nothing and ended up with everything on a silver platter. I would have been a Rebbitzen, to an extremely learned man, who would have filled my home and brought my children up with Torah. I would have married into an extremely well respected and influetntial family. My worries about never fitting in didn't exist-I stopped being so hypercritical about myself because no one would have said anything against me. I felt that I had a real Jewish family-who loved and protected me. I always had a place to go for the holidays. I was so proud to know them, and to become a part of them, for they are an incredibly warm and giving people. My life with a white-picket fence was just around the corner, and it still wasn't good enough to me. I can't help but wonder if I have some masochistic side of me-that just can't let myself be happy, to accept 'good enough.' I know what my reasons were, but were they bad enough to let this go? I truly feel that I had one and only chance for marriage, for a family, and I lost it. And now, in my mourning for what could have been, I'm doubting my Yiddishkeit for the first time ever. I'm doubting if I'm strong enough, or if I truly want this badly enough-having seen what I could have had and now accepting that none of it may ever come true...

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

The verdict is in. It will compromise the Vaad for future conversions if they allow mine to occur before the allotted time, so my Rav advised that I go out of town. He will be happy to work with a reputable Bet din, and to give me full recommendations. I'm trying to see the good in this, but I still feel complete frustration. It's kind of like starting all over again. Seeking a new Rabbi. Seeking acceptance. Proving myself yet again. G-d willing when I find the right people who wish to help, it will still most likely take several months. In the scheme of my life it's not eternity, but when I have a man who loves me and I adore whom I'm so looking forward to starting a life with, it's disheartening.

Perhaps I should look for a sheitel while in Brooklyn. I was a little pissed with one of the local sheitelmachers. I was close to spending 1800, apparently a great deal for what I was getting (LOL) I told her that it was 80% there, but for the money, I just felt that it should be perfect. My natural hair is pretty wavy, and I have a lot of it. I love how I look when I have my own hair straightened, but with the sheitel, it just looked, well, too much like a sheitel. She told me that it would be 2600 to get a curly sheitel, which didn't make very much sense. 800 extra for wave? I told her that was out of the question, and she advised perming the one I liked. My response, in my shock was, "Are you f***ing kidding me?" Pay 1800 and hope the perm takes? And what if I don't like it? Oh, I have to keep it? This pissed me off. I'm not about to be held hostage.

I have been thinking about getting a fall. It would cost less and I wouldn't have to worry about the hair line all of the time. Today, I was shocked to try on a 300 synthetic that my mother-in-law to be just ordered. Of course it wasn't in the same ballpark as natural, but for something I may wear once or twice a week, it was very pretty. I may just go this route. It will give me a way to have "hair" while shopping for the perfect one.

My kallah classes are going well. I wish I could just sit down for three hours and get it over with. I know most of what is being taught, and feel capable of taking in more information than my teacher feels I can handle. I think I only have one or two left, so at least there's an end in sight.

Oh, the joys of Judaism....

Patience

It has never been my virtue. I so wish that I could say it was, that I was somewhere close to being a patient woman, mother and wife, but I have a very difficult time putting my life in the hands of others.

Today is the second Vaad meeting. The first was a month ago. After the first one, the Rabbaim decided that they needed more time to think about my conversion. In the middle of my process, there was a change as to how long a potential convert should be in "the pipeline." So, I'm sitting here, not having attended the meeting today, wondering what they will decide. To be honest, I don't trust them much anymore. I have seen a side that most converts probably aren't privy to. I have had to accept and admit that politics play a more important role in their decisions than my neshama or my actions. What else can I possibly do? I have done everything that they have asked of me. I feel as though this has become about how much information I can memorize, or how many shiurim I attend, instead of my faith and desire to be a Jew. Every part of my life is immersed in Judaism. When it comes down to it, does showing my face at a Kashrus class mean more than keeping a kosher life?

I never imagined my life would get so busy that I wouldn't write for weeks. I have settled into a very secure and loving life in the past month or so. My kids have adjusted very well to having someone new around. My meeting with my Rav went so-so. He gave me permission to study more frequently, but advised me against getting more involved at this point. I felt very hesitant to do just that-worried about my conversion being seen as kosher, and of the gossip. He felt that the vaad would have an issue with my dating-since S is a rabbi and should "know better."

My close friend was married about 10 days ago. Our Rabbi gave a beautiful speech about the miracle of bashert, and grasping love when one finds it. I thought about it throughout the day and knew that I just could no longer ignore what was happening to me, to my heart, and that I felt that I was suffocating all of my happiness by not being able to share it with those around me.

When I got home from the wedding, I wrote to my rabbi. I told him that this was an unexpected turn in my life, and something that happened so innocently, but that I could no longer ignore it. I knew it would make things difficult, but I needed to be able to live my life and accept the love that was being offered to me. S had proposed to me, and I joyfully (and publicly) accepted...

Closing Windows and Opening Doors

The past few weeks have held some significant changes on a personal level. I had to come to terms that "Dinner Guy" from over Sukkos was just not meant to be. I reached out several times, but his negativity about the possibilites, his worth, or why I shouldn't convert just got to me. I get enough of that from the community-I don't need it in my personal life. I felt a huge connection to him-perhaps sympathy or empathy, and I never want to hurt another being, so I felt bad telling him that I needed to move on.

Over the past month, I have come into contact with a profound neshama. He is the brother of one of my dearest friends where I spend most of every Shabbos. When we first started talking, he was asking what I was learning, or what brought me into Judaism. He lent me books and answered questions I had. He seemed baffled at how I understood profound Judaic principles with little learning under my belt. He respected my intellect. He admired my truthseeking.

He offered to help me learn. He sent over 50 volumes of sefarim to my home. I guess this is an appropriate time to mention that he's a rabbi. I would stay up all hours of the night talking with him. He made me realize that I don't have to be ashamed of my past, because my past is what brought me to this point in my life. That I didn't need to offer appologies for not understanding certain things, and that I didn't have to settle in my search for a mate simply because I would be a convert. I felt my self confidence coming back to normal levels, and his respect for me was that of a man who could appreciate the journey I am on. Naturally, one night after hours of talking, I was overwhelmed when he told me that he was interested in pursuing more with me. That he thought I was the brightest and most honest of women, and had such a beautiful soul, and that no one he had encountered could ever measure to me. I was flattered. I was also skeptical.

The next day I spoke with his mother, whom I am also very close with. I expressed my concern in exploring a relationship with him, because I just couldn't stand the thought of putting my relationship with his family into jeopardy. I told her that I understood that her liking me as a neighbor was completely different than having me as a potential daughter in law. Her reaction was one of elation-where she hugged me and told me that nothing could make her happier. This immediate acceptance allowed me to feel free to start to explore my feelings for him. He started coming to my house and helping me with my children. I started to see him as a possible father. I respect him immensely-and felt a huge intellectual connection, and kind of thought that there was a possibility of more at the right time.

This past week, a lot changed. I woke up one morning with butterflies. I was very surprised. Everything in my previous life started out strong and passionate, and then fizzled out. This started as a friendship, which developed into deep admiration, and then onto the butterflies. He expressed his intentions of wishing to date me, and exclusively with the hopes of it leading to marriage. We're going to meet with my parents this week. That seems like the easy part-Meeting with my Rav will be the hard part.

I have been having issues with a fellow applicant for conversion. She is a bit younger than me, has been dating a BT for 5 years, and all of a sudden is interested in conversion when she knew years ago that he wouldn't marry a gentile. She was accepted to study, just as I was, but is not required to move from her parents house which is more than 30 minutes away. I feel very hurt by this. Anyone who has read my blog from the beginning knows what I had to go through to get to this point-the torture I put myself through trying to figure out if I should move without any security as to my conversion. So, I'm looking at her situation, when it's obvious it is for marriage, and she's still able to "date" her boyfriend when I haven't been on a date in a year. It's just not sitting well with me. I think at this point it is obvious that I'm not converting for marriage. And now I've met this phenomenal man who wants to date me and I'm not allowed to? What's with the double-standards here, when I'm not allowed to go out for coffee with someone who has the best intentions?

So, I'm waiting to schedule a meeting. His family is frum and has tremendous yichus, and is ready to stand behind me. It's clear that I'm close to the family, but we're directing a plan to put me into situations where I'm seen with four generations of the family and that their support is obvious. I'm looking to speed my conversion up a little bit. I'm not looking for an easy way out-I'm going to ask to study at double or triple time in order to get through the materials. I think I have proved my good intentions at this point. That I'm in this for the long haul, man or not.

About an hour ago he left me breathless again. He told me that he loved me...