Synagogue Etiquette

I went to visit another shul today, one that I've gone to twice before. It's smaller, but I'm trying to get around and meet new people. I also thought that it wouldn't hurt for various Rabbi's to see my face before I meet with the vaad.

I'm feeling very uptight about what happened there and I wonder if I'm missing something. Everyone talked. I'm not talking about a whisper here or there-a "what did he say?" or a child coming in for his mother. I'm not some kind of shul visiting soup-nazi who thinks one should hear a pin drop. Part of what I like about shul is that it's family centered. It reminds me of times I've spent in Latin America or Europe where people aren't freaks about a baby out in public. When I say everyone talked, I mean everyone talked. Half of it was in Yiddish, so I had no idea what the conversation was, but I knew it wasn't related to the service. I'm talking about every conversation from cholent recipes, to Disney vacations, to who was shtupping his secretary. I heard them all. And not just in the middle of any old prayer. During the entire Torah reading. The ENTIRE Torah reading and Haftorah. (Not just during the aliyahs like at every other shul) I felt angry. My skin was burning-I just wanted to turn around and shush-and I'm not the kind of girl who would do such a thing.

It wasn't just the women. There were groups of men standing in groups schmoozing during the reading as well. It was so horrible that the Rabbi talked about it for twenty minutes before going into his sermon. (Is that what one calls it at temple? Or is a Divrei Torah or something?) He mentioned how we know not to talk excessively in a library or hospital and that Hashem deserves our respect as well. Along with the other congregants. They deserve it too. He also said there is nothing wrong with coming to socialize-just to do it at kiddush. I felt this was reasonable.

So, guess what happened for the last 30 minutes of the service? Do you think people were quiet? They were worse than before the sermon! I could not hear anything for the last 15 minutes. I felt cheated. The rejuvenated feeling I usually have after shul had turned into anger and resentment. I'm not fluent in Hebrew, so it's even more important for me to hear every word so I don't lose my place.

I recently heard of a shul on Long Island that makes the congregants sign a paper saying that they won't talk. For any reason. If they're seen talking, the President gets up and escorts them out. Although that sounds like a great idea to me after today, I'm a reaonable person. I get lost and have to ask where we are once in a while. Hebrew can be said amazingly fast. My kids come in and need something. I want shul to be family oriented. I want to see the babies crawling around and the toddlers running to their dads when it's time to kiss whatever all that stuff is in the ark. My kids refer to it as candy time. I get tears in my eyes when I see a father with all of his children going up to the ark-it's beautiful and I don't want to lose moments like that.

So, does that I mean that I just have to deal with this incessant chatting? Is it like this everywhere? I feel that I could learn a lot from this Rav. I just don't think I can go back, and it's unfortunate because there are a lot of kids there and it's younger/more liberal and it would be healthy for me to see this side of Orthodoxy as well. There were other huge disappointments today, but I'm just not ready to let it all out at this moment, so it will have to wait for my next post. Please let me know if my expectations are too high...

Dowry No More

I'm having an incredibly difficult day and am completely depressed. My father disinherited me. Isn't that great? Everything I've ever done wrong and every way I've ever disappointed him came out today. That, and the fact that my actions are eternally condemning my children to hell. A life of prayer and modesty and loving Hashem and His Torah is apparently evil. When was my Rav going to tell me?

No matter how much I tell my family that I love them, they see my choice to be Jewish as a personal rejection. I'm in so much pain and I feel very scared and I just need to get out of this negative environment as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, I have about two weeks to go. I've cried so much that there are truly no tears left-just an aching in my head that hurts so much I'm unable to sleep. Is anyone adopting 28 year old women? Talk about feeling pathetic...

Cleanliness is G-dliness, Right?

I'm moving! To the Israel of Pennsylvania. Where I can finally walk to shul on shabbos and keep kosher and put my kids in day school. I've been waiting for this day, and all of a sudden it just feels that it's coming so quickly. I'm very excited and happy, but also overwhelmed. It's great that I feel Jewish when I'm looking in from the outside, but what will it actually be like to live in the fish bowl? Will it be the same accepting community, or will I feel that everything I do is being watched?

It's easy to say that we're not supposed to judge one another, but let's be realistic. I know many a neighbor will be wondering about me, and looking out their window to see what I'm up to. This is the ultimate test-If I can't accept and deal with downside of the community, I will never have a place in the Orthodox world.

I need some feedback about something that is troubling me. There is a family who often invites me for Shabbos. The husband is a very respected kollel rabbi and I love the intelligent discussions that happen around the table. The wife is equally intelligent, and very accepting and never makes me feel bad that the kids aren't doing everything perfectly, etc. If anything, she shows me that I should relax a bit more. She is always helpful, and I have an open invitation to spend Shabbos with them. I appreciate their kindness very much, but I'm having a problem with something that I'm unable to overlook any longer.

Their house if filthy. A fresh coat of paint would help, but wouldn't put a dent in what needs done. I try so hard to not let it bother me, but after seven months, I can't keep this in anymore. They are a frum family, with almost a dozen kids-not all living at home, but both husband and wife work outside the house. I realize that they don't have extra money, but I'm sure they can afford a box of Spic 'n Span. Seriously, it looks like one of those places on the news where Child and Youth goes in and takes the kids away, sans the dog poo.

Personally, I'm guilty of clutter. I'm guilty of going to bed with toys on the floor, or dishes on the counter. I know how hard it is to keep a house clean, although no one would ever think that my kitchen or bath was dirty. After taking my daughter to the bathroom today, I felt physically ill. If anyone is keeping kashrut to the fullest extent, it's this family. But, how can I eat in a home like this? How can I trust the kitchen? I want to learn from this family, but I don't know how I can ever go back.

Is this a sign of observance that I don't know about? That they're too busy studying to clean? I don't want to offend them, but they will notice if I stop coming. They have a lot to offer me- how can I get offer the filth factor? Am I being too sensitive?

Cross Your Fingers

It looks like I found a lease to sign! The last one fell through, so I'll be on edge until it's a done deal. I had to settle for wall to wall-yuck-not ideal for one with a background in decorating, but there's plenty of space. This will be the big test-total immersion into the life of an Orthodox Jewess. I should be kashering and toyvling within a week....

Lady Sophie Caldwell of Paisley Abbey...

Otherwise known as my puppy. I know-there's still a tiny bit of WASP left in me, and I named her for family. She's causing some difficulty with potential landlords. One lease fell through right before I signed and I had given up on my other apartment leads.
No one seems to care that she rarely barks, weighs 12 pounds and is crate trained, on top of being the sweetest girl in the world. I ask for positive thoughts that I find a place to live this week-otherwise, there will be no Journey To O.

Sex in Orthodoxy

I've been pondering sexual views within Orthodoxy as of late, particularly those revolving around the needs and desires of women. I found it so exciting to see from a Torah/Talmudic view that sex is seen as something not only sacred, but pleasurable as well. A lot of societies pretend that women don't have equal desire for physical affection as men, or at least modest women don't.

A lot of my confusion is stemmed by modesty, propriety, even etiquette. I was taught etiquette to make others comfortable, to entertain, to show my gratitude-not to live a modest life. I don't know how you actually view things, because sex is a very private subject in the Orthodox world. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, but being that I'm not able to date, I feel uncomfortable asking my rebbitzen direct questions. I'm sure she would wonder why I was thinking about sex when it wasn't a part of my imminent future. I think I'm trying to prepare myself for this life.

Becoming Jewish and living within the community revolves around so much more than Parsha and Hebrew classes. Every law and mitzvah are important, and it's necessary for me to learn such things, figure out where they fit into my life, how I will facillitate what Hashem asks of me. So, along with my studies on Jewish theology and history, there are a zillion other things I have to master, like keeping laws of kashrut. I may not be able to have shabbos guests for quite some time (some people may never trust my kitchen) but I still need to prepare a kosher kithcen for the benefit of my family, and so I will be able to welcome guests in the future. I see my questioning about dating/marriage/sex in the same way. No, I'm not doing any of those things now. But, the time will come when I will be able to date, and I wish to be prepared. I want to know how my views fit in, so that I can, G-D willing, make a really good decision about a husband. If I'm dating and the man asks me specific questions about my expectations or how I will handle certain things, I wish to be able to answer them in a way that is true to my nature.

So, I've read how wonderful sex is within the context of marriage. My mother taught me the same. That I should always be a lady, but that I shouldn't feel shameful about being with my husband in any way-that nice girls do enjoy sex, and that there was nothing wrong with having desire for it. This is great! Another way I fit in, right?

Doubts start creeping into my mind when I look at interpersonal relationships around me. A lot of women I know see it as something to "get over with." They let their husbands "do what they need" so that they can both go back to dealing with life. I've heard of men who are so into studying that having sex with their wives it like some chore-some second rate way to spend the time. And I start to identify due to past experience and I feel scared.

My husband wouldn't have sex with me.He knew how important it was for me to share my love in that way, he knew that my sexual desires were higher than an average woman. I couldn't have been more vulnerable-to stand before him and ask him to touch me, to make love to me-and he wouldn't. I can't begin to tell you the shame I felt. How unattractive I thought I was. I blamed myself because I had two children close together, and my body had changed, etc. As soon as I wasn't a trophy to show off, he lost interest. It took a very long time for me to realize that it wasn't my fault. He witheld all physical affection-even hugging-as a way to control and manipulate me. He painted me as insatiable and made me feel ashamed of my desires. We seperated four years ago. This one subject is the only thing that I feel insecure about and that still brings tears to my eyes. I hover above my pre-pregnancy weight-afraid if I look perfect that I couldn't decipher who was interested in my soul and who just wanted my body. I'm going to get pregnant again-I'm going to have times when my figure isn't sexy, and it's important to be with one who will love me no matter what.

When it comes to my marriage, I don't want to hide my desires. I don't want to be so modest that I can't walk naked in my bedroom or bathe in front of my husband. I understand that there may be different expectations during niddah. I want to feel free to experiment, but I'm afraid to let my sensual side show. Well, how can I let it show at all? If I can, when is it appropriate? Will the man think that I'm immodest should I wish to openly talk about our mutual sexual needs in how they would relate to our marriage? If I asked to hold hands or kiss before accepting a proposal, would that be seen as immoral and make the man withdrawl his offer? How can I tell who would appreciate my openess about sex and who would be compatible in a sphere that is shomer negiah?

Reputations...

I have a quick question-for once! LOL A friend of mine ( a woman who recently converted) wishes to take me out for a drink for my birthday. A big sarcastic yeah-I'm 28! I would love to go out for a glass of wine/martini and I'm am little bit nervous. I haven't really done so since I'm been observant-it's not that I don't enjoy a drink once in a while. Trust me, there are many Shabbat mornings when my kids are driving me insane and I covet the special kiddush they have in my shul. It's just that except for Purim and Pesach, I've never seen another woman drink more than a cheekful of wine. Being that I live in a small community, I just thought I would ask if going out would damage my reputation. I don't want to hide or pretend to be something I'm not-but would it be easier if I went to a different part of town? I'd appreciate another's outlook.....

Traditionalism vs. Secularism Pertaining to Feminine Roles and Judaism

When I think about what draws me to Judaism, I have to be honest and admit that a big part of it is the community. How the people interract with one another and the family-oriented aspects of this life were a main influence on choosing Orthodoxy. I feel that it's the first place that I ever truly belonged, and felt accepted as I was. I have always been a very traditional girl. I knew that I would marry young and have children-perhaps personal fertility issues pushed me into it more quickly- but as long as I could make a choice about it, waiting until I was 40 to do so was out of the question. I have always known that I would never be the bread winner, because that would mean taking time away from my family. As independent as I am, I feel most comfortable with what would be considered feminine ideals.

I atteneded a girls boarding school and received an extremely pro-feminist education, before attending an all women's college. Halfway through my first year of college I knew that I couldn't finish my education in that envirionment. Apparently every dream I had for my life was wrong. My main focus wasn't my career. I didn't want to have casual sex. I wanted to be a mother and wife. I kind of felt that I was somehow reared for another century, perhaps why I relate so easily to Jane Austen novels.

I studied art and music and I'm good with languages. I can run a household-take care of the bills-manage a staff. (Staff, you wonder? LOL ) Entertaining comes naturally. I actually find gardening so organic and soothing. I sound horribly boring don't I? These are activities for women who stay home and have babies-which I wanted to do-but I've also travelled the world, have an intense curiosity, will talk to anyone on the street, and I'm a voracious reader and very involved in politics, albeit Republican politics. I ran a private law practice for several years.
I got the impression early on that men weren't looking for women like me. I still lose hope at times that there will be someone special out there who can appreciate all of my facets and not crush my interests that are more secular.

How can a woman with my educational background know at the age of 16 that business and earning money wouldn't fulfill her? I was studying at one of the most prestigous colleges in the world and I was miserable. That year for me was priceless for it allowed me to take a long hard look at modern feminism, the sexual revolution, and how it had changed our society....for the worse.

I think that Western society, or what I would even call non-Jewish society, has emasculated men. In said society, we tell men to treat us equally and then turn around and say they're not sensitive. These poor guys can't win! They try to open a door or give up a subway seat and they get scornful glares.

I've seen men bombarded with the message of, "How dare you try to be nice-I don't need you-I can open my own door, make my own money, buy a vibrator, and hit the sperm bank should I decide to have children."

Most men I've come into contact with have stopped trying to treat women in a feminine manner out of fear of being told they're sexist. They follow the contemporary status quo and treat women exactly how the women asked, and now I have to listen to women bitching about how they don't feel respected. Hellooooo!?! Wait a second-I'm trying to understand this! You met that guy two days ago, went home with him, had sex, and you're pissed off because he didn't call?
These are the same women who tell me I'm choosing a life where I won't be treated equally, and about how I must be uptight and not sexually open. They don't get that I'm choosing this life because of how I see them being treated.
No matter how unreligious, secular, educated, worldy or open a man may be-he still doesn't want to marry a girl who would sleep with him right away. The idea of not wanting to have an emotionally and sexually careless woman be the mother of his children cannot be erased from his wiring. It's quite fascinating.

I realize that by not being raised Orthodox that I have had more freedom, and my heart aches for a woman who was raised without choices. I'm fortunate that I can make an educated decision for my life. It is beautiful for me because I came to this as an adult, but I'm not dismissing that in certain families girls can feel very repressed. I can't pretend to know where they're coming from. We may now lead similar lives-with both its blessings and restrictions, but I did get to experience the outside world, although not having the protection of a Jewish family and life did put me in a place where I made bad choices and experienced a lot of pain. To you women who feel trapped, I can honestly tell you that the grass is not always greener.

Being anonymous, and hoping to help those of you who perhaps haven't had my physical freedom, (although It's incredibly far from being deemed promiscuous) I want to share that I had one time in my life when I thought more existed in a relationship I was in than there actually was. I never heard words of love or commitment-I just wanted it so badly and assumed that he had the same emotions, and I went to bed with this man that I felt hopelessly in love with. Our relationship ended shortly thereafter, and at the time I felt very angry at how he disrespected me. Through my usual analyzation, I realized over the time that the problem is that I hadn't respected myself. How could I expect him to when I didn't?

A piece of my soul is eternally gone. Guilt and sickness come over me when I think about it. I wanted to be seen as an equal-see what I got? That is not freedom to me. Freedom is a man who is willing to take a chance on me wihtout any sexual distraction. We're wired differently. I don't think there is a woman out there that can have casual sexual relationships without feeling devastated in the end. It may take years of these affairs for them to figure it all out-I'm so fortunate that it only took one for me.

I find the amount of men and women like me-born Jewish or not-who were raised in a secular world, well educated, and went searching for some tradition and found it in Orthodoxy just incredibly amazing! I know that there are so many more men and women who want tradition, and want to embrace their masculine/feminine differences. Who wish to have relationships where one feels respected and accepted for how G-D created us, with all of our intrinsic emotional and physical needs. Unfortunately, it's hard for many to admit this, for stating that one has traditional beliefs immediately puts others without them on the defensive.

I find what the egalitarian Jewish communites fear is due to simple ignorance about Judaism, and simple ignorance shouldn't be that difficult to overcome. Many Christians I know are more accepting of my choice to be an orthodox Jew than most non-Orthodox Jews. The non-Orthodox don't even know why they're upset at this point, nor do they try to see why the Orthodox still hold to their ancient ideas. Many don't know enough about Halacha to even have a valid debate. It's a little scary when I know more about a religion than one who was raised going to temple and Sunday school-and I'm not pretending to be some sort of scholar. To them, the Orthodox way is the old way-the wrong way. Period.

The egalitarian view reminds me a lot of those who politically demagogue without at least trying to investigate and view an idea from another angle. Most of these people were raised on the brink of the sexual revolution and feminist movements. These are the same people who tell me how times have changed, and ask me how could a smart girl like myself can just accept the restrictions. Why would I want to keep family purity? (Albeit, most women I meet don't know anything about these rituals, some don;t even know what a mikvah is.) Don't I realize the men view me as dirty? That I'm not worthy to sit with them in shul? That there's no reason to keep kosher these days, let alone Shabbat? They point fingers about how Orthodoxy is ignorant, and I'm thinking, "Hey-I lived your life for 27 years. It didn't work for me" I wasn't raised in a shtetl. I think my academic pedigree is enough to prove that I can make a sound choice about my life. I don't see an Orthodox life as one full of restrictions. Disciplines? Absolutely! How do I explain that what they see as a restriction has given me peace? How can I show them that although they may not agree with every tradition, that doesn't mean that they have to turn their backs on true Torah?

I have a close friend who was raised Reform but was always yearning for something more. He never dreamed of going to Orthodox shul until I asked him to go with me. Actually, he could be more than a close friend one day. He's an incredible human being, very accepting of me as I am, and I would absolutely consider dating him should his Hashkofa evolve by the time I'm "Kosher." I would never judge his hashkofa has a friend, but I think it's important to be on similar levels for marriage, and in my case, would prefer a man who I could learn from and respect, so he would have to be pretty knowledgeable.

I was in NY visiting family, and I found this great congregation-B'nai Jacob in Park Slope. I dragged him to Shabbat with me. Very young and hip and with it, a definite MO service, but the people were so varied, being that Rabbi Hecht is an emmisary from Chabad and hosts Chabad of Brownstone Brooklyn. This Synagogue is going through a fabulous renovation being that it was not used as a synagogue for decades. They could use strong hands (and donations) to bring this beautiful sanctuary back to where it should be. For the mean time, the downstairs is just lovely for services and studying. BT's would be most comfortable here. If I move to NY before I'm married, I'm hoping to move to this area and join this shul. There's now an eruv all around Prospect Park. There are plans for a mikvah-ladies can go to Brooklyn Heights or Crown Heights.

Can I make this story any longer? I have to learn how to break this stuff up into segments. Anyway, my friend has been attending this shul regularly and just loves so many aspects of it, and feels much closer to Hashem, but is afraid to admit to other people that he goes therel because he is afraid that they will view him as being sexist. I'm aware that while I'm saying that non-Orthodox Jews are rigid in their defense of egalitarianism to the point of not changing or trying to understand Orthodoxy, that they say the same of the Orthodox. All I know is that on a personal level, I'm willing to listen to their side with an open heart before making a decision.

I wasn't brainwashed by my Rabbi. I am far from learned when it comes to halacha, but I no longer feel ignorant. I listened to the previously mentioned accusations that things were sexist and unfair. How blessed I am that I opened my heart and soul and mind to actually listen to what the books I was reading or the rabbi I was speaking with were saying. I didn't have an agenda. I didn't tell anyone that I thought their way was unfair. I just listened. And I felt relief. I found a society that understood my core feminine needs. That respected what I was good at.

The liberal Jews I meet are shocked that I should choose this life-this life where women have no choice and aren't respected. How come when I look through my directory, half of the women are physicans and attorneys? Is that because they're stupid and don't know about anything except cooking and having babies? Why is the divorce rate lower? Why do people seem happier with less? I searched my whole life for a place where I could be strong and smart but also be feminine and not feeling guilty for having weak moments. A place where I could be content with less of the material-that my relationships with Hashem and my family and friends will be where I found fulfillment. Where helping and giving was more fulfilling than getting. I wanted in.

I'm now educated enough to reply to their accusations. We keep kosher simply because Hashem asked us to, as a way to be continually thankful and aware of every piece of food we put into our mouths and as a way to separate us as Jews. I strongly feel that we sit on the other side of the mechitza-or in the balcony depending on where one goes-because we're spiritually different from the men and should be protected. I love the freedom I feel about not having to worry about men looking at me. Just being able to enjoy the women and learn from them. I can actually concentrate on davening when I don't feel that I'm being observed by a man. I've been fortunate enough to be around such brilliant and spiritual women, women who are so well versed in Torah that they could run circles around any man in a kollel. It's just that if you said that to the woman's face, she would blush and insist it wasn't true. Trust me-it's true.

Having been married and divorced, and knowing that every couple I know complains about "not having space" I find family purity to be a phenomenal idea. I get a little smirk on my face when I think of our talmudic scholars and how important it is for Jews to "be fruitful and multiply" and how we walk home from the mikvah with two weeks of pent up sexual frustration at the time of ovulation! I'm not in any way trivializing it, or pretending that it won't take more discipline than anything else in my Jewish life. It's easy for me to say that I'm negiah now because I'm not dating. It's not that I don't have a physical yearning to touch and be touched, but It's not difficult for me to refrain when I don't have someone in my life whom I'm in love with and attracted to sitting next to me.

I wish to be vulnerable. Yes, vulnerable. Can I say that again? It feels really good. I'm very far from being a princess. I don't have a man in my life to help out in any way. I haven't, well, ever-hence the divorce-and I won't for some time. I've proved myself to the world. I can go to college, keep a 4.0, work and raise two kids, pay the bills and take out the trash and teach my son how to throw a ball (my daughter has a better arm) But, I'm not a man. I can try to be strong, but I can't truly be a father to my children. A child needs a father just as a woman needs a husband, so why does our society tell us that we don't? I'm lucky that I can try to fill the void my children undoubtedly have by keeping them involved with other strong men-mainly my own father and my brothers. When it comes to my own needs, I just try not to think of them. It's easier to put up a wall and pretend that I don't need a masculine force in my life.

I wish to feel safe. I wish to wrap up in the arms of my husband and know that I can let go and forget all of the crap that happened that day. I want to feel protected. I need to know that he thinks I'm worth protecting. I want him to feel possessive. As wonderful as the English language is, I have a hard time finding another appropriate word for possession. I'm not talking about my independence-my ability to go or see who I please-I could never handle one telling me what to do in those situations.
Possession freaks about everyone out because it's too much-it's too intense, and I know that most men can't handle or accept that it's important for me to feel this way. In every emotional and physical and especially sexual way, I wish to feel protected and possessed. Within the realms of a traditional marriage I feel that this need of mine can be fulfilled. I may be wrong. Every Jewish man I meet might think I'm crazy.

With possession, perhaps a side of me comes out that wishes to be submissive. I'm aching to explore this with others. Is it different that I choose to be submissive-to give all of myself to another-then with a woman who is forced to? I think of it as saying "I'm capable of caring for myself, but I trust you so much that at times, I will allow you to do it for me." I feel the beauty is in wanting to give up some of this independence, which is my wall. The wall that tells everyone that I don't need another when I deeply do. While I pretend that I don't need love or affection or intimacy, others are less likely to pity me for being single. I'm just deeply afraid I'm holding some unhealthy idea in my mind that will never be able to come to fruition. I wish to explore these ideas because I would prefer to know if they're unattainable before I get to the point where I'm looking for a shidduch.

Are there men who can accept my facets? Is it normal for me to dream of vulernability? Are my ideas of giving myself unhealthy and sure to send any match running for the hills? Or, can I find that perfect, safe niche in this world, where I can use my strengths and admit my weaknesses ?

I think the coffer of my mind has run dry for the evening. If I haven't bored you to death as of yet, I hope you don't starve to death before Thursday....

Pleased To Meet You....

...And to share my life's most intimate details. As I mentioned in my last (and first) blog, most of my questions have to do with "tradition." Ahhh, lovely tradition. You know, that important stuff. Those all encompassing questions that seem so important in the world of the shadchan, and unfortunately, on Frumster.

"Does his mother use a plastic tablecloth?" Huh? I have to be honest. On my first invitation for shabbos lunch, I came across the plastic tablecloth. Well, actually, it was of a clear, saran wrapish consistency. I wrote to a friend and asked, "Is this expected of me?" And as always, this wonderful friend laughed (I could read the laugh between the lines) and made me feel better that I wasn't expected to do anything of the sort.

Now, I'm not trying to offend those of you who grew up with this. I just would love an explanation. I guess it would be because your poor mother just slaved to cook shabbos dinner for forty people and shouldn't have to do another thing, like change a soiled tablecloth? Am I correct in assuming this? Or is this evident of a sense of frumkeit that I know nothing of? Kind of like the hidden meaning of having chrain on the table-cause everyone knows, a truly frum lady wouldn't serve fish without it. (And a truly kind ger couldn't choke the fish down without it, either)

This is one of those simple, silly questions that cross my mind, and the last thing I want to do is offend my incredibly loving and accepting community by asking rude things of those who are so selfless and giving towards me.

And the questions keep on coming. Hours of neurotic thoughts that keep me awake at night. To me, it seems to be ridiculous crap. To the man I want to marry, this is serious stuff!

It’s funny in a way that I’m often asked how I feel about keeping kosher, or about going to the mikvah. These elemental stays of Judaism aren’t what I question. I’m about as shomer shabbat as I can be, but will be moving into the community very shortly and intend to be fully. I will have to stop studying for now in order to work to take care of everything and the tution of O day school for two kids, which is frustrating, but being Jewish and keeping Shabbat is more important to me right now than making money. I realize the financial repercussions long term, but I have to follow my heart for once. So, anyways, I'm willing to be shomer Shabbat, keep kosher, be shomer negiah, move away from my family and put my kids into religious school. I don’t think that’s exactly a secular life. I’m trying.

I think I’m more sensitive to the opinions of others because it is important for me to be accepted and not offend anyone. Previously, I didn't tend to care so much about opinions beyond those of close family members-but obviously I realize when I can’t listen to even those who I dearly love. There will always be families who are more frum than I choose to be. I can’t imagine not going to the beach or to a pool with my children when it’s 95 degrees out. I highly doubt that I will be going topless as I did in the olden days, but I don’t want to wrap up in a full length robe and shvitz to death. I really don’t watch TV, but I will have one in the house. Disney DVD's are to thank for the wonderful meals I put on the table-I couldn't keep the kids busy long enough to cook without them. I enjoy movies-they’re not usually the secular kind-I laughed and cried through Ushpizin, and viewed “Water” at The Paris in midtown a month or so ago-it was beautiful!. I adore travel and learning about other cultures, reading Latin American Literature and watching politics and movements in the outside world. I’m insanely curious and love to learn and understand as a way of knowing new people.

What I’m most sensitive about and what causes me the most angst is about how I dress, how I will dress, and the most daunting thought will be how I will cover my hair. There are a lot of things that I have accepted once they were clarified-but I can almost without a doubt tell you that I will just not be a sheitl kind of a girl. Ok, that's wrong to say. I may very well do it, but what if it's horribly uncomfortable and then I've broken a promise? I have fairly long hair which has always been such a source of my femininity. Even when my weight fluctuates, at least I have my hair. I realize how vain that sounds, and I understand that it should be seen only by my husband. Frankly, there's something quite erotic about that! So, to what extent should it be covered?

I became most concerned about this while reading a questionnaire on frumster. Don’t worry, I’m not on frumster-I was just curious. By the way, do I have to say that I’m a convert? I mean, it’s such a personal thing ! I don’t introduce myself to a new rabbi as a convert, etc. I’m not hiding it-I just don’t think it matters that much. I’m a Jew in my heart. When I’m finished, G-D willing I will have the approval of a Bet Din of almost ten rabbis-that should say something for making sure my conversion is kosher. That leads me to another topic about the Chief Rabbinate in Israel, but I will have to save that for later.

People will be choosing whether or not to write to me based on one answer! This is what drives me crazy about religious Jews-and I consider myself well on the road to being one, but it seems so ridiculous. What constitutes fully covered? I know many very well respected women who wear a hat on shabbos, and maybe not the other days. I know many who wear hats, but some of their natural hair shows on a daily basis. Then we advance to scarves, snoods, and sheitls. I think I would choose a scarf. Now, does fully covered not constitute the one inch of my hairline that will be noticeable? Does fully covered just mean daily? Will I lose out on a shidduch because I don’t know if I wish to wear a sheitl?

I find this to be such a personal subject, but I really would like a response. I know what you frummies will say, so I’m looking for women close to where I am (not necessarily converts) and to men who are looking for women like myself-keeping the laws, growing, wanting a Jewish family, but not wanting to get lost in the frum world.

I have grown so much-every month I see things differently, and I can’t begin to imagine and hope for the kind of Jewess I will grown into in the next five, ten, thirty years. And, when it comes to tradition, some things take time. So, is it wrong for me to leave the hair question until after I find the right man?
That doesn’t seem to be a possibility when it’s the first answer you guys are looking at-but isn’t that very much something a couple should discuss? It’s not that I don’t have my own opinions, but if the man I adored had a strong opinion about something, I feel that I would wish to respect the feeling-it wouldn’t be out of duty or guilt, it would be out of love. If he said to my, “Darling, it would embarrass me as a man to have a wife who had one piece of hair showing at any given time, so will you please cover up,” how could I possibly say no? That’s so very different than “A nice Jewish girl wouldn’t have to be told!” Same thing with pants. I tend to prefer skirts. I feel feminine in skirts. I do own a few pairs of pants and jeans that I wear when out in the garden, or taking the kids on certain activities, or when it's 10 below zero. I don’t think this makes me less religious-but if it really bothered the love of my life, it just doesn’t seem to be that serious of an issue to me. If I would humiliate his family by being seen in jeans, that’s ok. It’s not like I’m being wrapped up in a burka!

I just wonder if this different point of view will make others think that I don’t have opinions, or I am not religious enough to know the difference or make up my own mind. My point is just that certain things change with growth, and certain things change with love. I know NY pretty well-Manhattan first, then Brooklyn. Other areas I truly don’t know well enough to make an absolute judgment on. I see myself living in one or the other, but for the right person, would I not relocate to Boston, or Monsey? Why not? It’s the person and the family and the shul-not the city. What matters is being surrounded by loving, supportive people. I do also enjoy a community with a good amount of Ba’al Teshuva, because they often see things how I do, and understand what it really means to become religious as a choice and cope with possible rejection from one's family. I will do all that I can in order to know Hashem, it’s worth everything-but sometimes people who were raised in religious families aren’t as understanding. And surprisingly, sometimes it’s the frum who are willing to open their homes and hearts to me. I’ve been told that I’m very lucky to find Judaism in the community in which I live. That in other parts of the world, it isn’t so accepting, and there is a lot of pressure to conform. The only thing I wish is that the community was younger, but the city in which I live isn’t diverse or young as a whole. Young professionals tend to leave for the East Coast, and come back here to raise their families.

I see the same questioning for the men on frumster. From the outside (well, kind of on the outside,) can I tell you that I could care less? I started realizing why my profoundly respected rabbi was warning me about the chance of not marrying. First of all, I’m a convert. I’m a mother of two, so I’m obviously not a virgin. Kohains are out. I don’t have a Jewish pedigree-no famous rabbis in my family. I’m not independently wealthy, and my parents aren’t about to support my new family while my husband studies at the kollel all day and I produce eleven more children for the perfect bakers dozen. Most men in the thirty-something range I would hope to meet are married, or not married for a reason. Does this not sound bad enough? Now throw in the question of kippot. Are you Fu**ing kidding me? I now have to choose between shtreimels, Black hats, leather/suede, fabric, and knitted?

We have too many problems in our world to spend time thinking about such nonsense. Hypothetically, I just found an Orthodox man who will accept me as I am, accept my children, make a Jewish home with me, love and cherish me, be faithful to me, wants to make love regularly, has no disgusting habits or fetishes, and I’m supposed to care what material he chooses for his head? With one exception. I questioned the rainbow coloured kippa-instead of plain black or blue. A rabbi I trust smiled and gently said, “Unless he’s five, stay away from the rainbows.” LOL Ok-I’ll take his advice on that one.

I'm realizing that men will be judging me by how I cover my hair, or whether or not my skirt drags on the floor, and to be honest I could care less how he's covering his head. Hashem knows if he's wearing tzis tzis, whether they're in or out. I've never been much of a facial hair person, so I'll be happy just to find a man with a controlled beard! Who knew? There's a religous girl out there (yes, I mean me) who doesn't look at a man who's clean shaven and question his Yiddishkeit! There are millions of things I need to learn from all of you out there who will be generous enough to help me along my journey. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt for you to learn this one simple thing from me? Shavua Tov...

How Do I Start? With Inspiration from P-Life

I was about to leave an anonymous blog, which I will publish below, in response to this phenomenal posting by Passionate Life, and after months of considering starting a blog, I'm jumping into it. This is so not how I thought to start things-with absolutely no background information about myself, but perhaps this will give you insight as to my thoughts, and I would love to hear feedback from others who may share or disagree with what I'm feeling...

So, P-Life is writing about "The Myth of The Heart Thumper Soulmate," and a quick synopsis is how we all have to give up on this Hollywood ideal of romance, and happily ever after, and one person being able to fulfill everything. He has an uncle that dated "heart thumping" women, and once upon a time dated a woman who the family didn't see as exciting, dumped her, got married, got divorced, somehow found his way back to the woman who wasn't as exciting, and married her. They are happily married now. As soon as I figure out how to link to his profile, I will add it.

My reply to him, which I did not publish on his site for it would have taken up way too much space was....

Hey, P-Life! You have articulated this subject so perfectly! I don't wish to sound immodest, but I am the kind of woman that most would view as a heart thumper. Within my own dating life, I have had the same struggles as you. I had to come to the conclusion that it is easier to find a handsome, affluent man than to find one with integrity, the ability to be faithful, and most importantly, reverence for and love of Hashem. By dating men with these latter attributes, I am often shocked at how many people who apparently care about me make comments to the effect that I am "too good" for these trustworthy and honest men, and that I should save myself for one of the heart thumpers. Unfortunately, I've had issues with the nice men, because in the end, they can't accept that an attractive and vibrant woman would actually wish to build a life with one who wasn't so attractive and vibrant-of course, they're not seeing what I'm seeing.

After my divorce I realized how I never want to be involved in that kind of relationship again-where everything is based on physical or financial attributes. We all want to feel our hearts thumping, and many times, they do in the beginning. Often, a month or two into it, that feeling goes away, and we feel that it's over without realizing that a greater connection may have taken its place.
I have seen many happily married couples-and none have ever told me that their heart still thumps after 5, 10, or 20 years. What keeps them together is a commitment to each other and their mutual/familial commitment to Hashem. I think that this is much more of a blessing than feeling butterflies. I got butterflies the other day when the hot guy at the kosher pizza shop smiled at me. Does that mean I'm going to marry him? LOL Of course not! (well, he's married) You're (P-life is) so fortunate to have realized what every man I've ever come into contact with has been unable to see. We all have to give up on the Hollywood ideals.

Relationships based on physicality and financial stability will doubtlessly end upon the first hint of a problem. I pray that this post of yours gets others thinking upon the same line. It is not settling to give up on these ideals. If anything, it is pure liberation and peace! One man or woman can't hold every ideal, whether it be spiritually, emotionally, or physically. I have searched my soul and prayed and can openly admit that I am far from pefection myself, and that finding a partner where there is mutual love, affection, trust, and common life goals for a future family is what matters most.
For me, finding a man who will help me to build a Jewish life for my chidren, and who will accept my previous children as though they were his own is more than I could ask Hashem for. Perhaps others out there will think I'm settling, but I still have the hope that I can find happiness in such a simple life. Did our grandparents and great-grandparents settle? Did their spouses feel that they were failures is they didn't have movie-star appearances or couldn't offer the other extravagant gifts? My grandmother wasn't worried about wearing a size 2 after giving birth to six children. Her husband never felt like a failure because she didn't have a closet full of Jimmy Choo shoes. We all have to lower expectations of happiness that we transfer onto one single being.
We have friends to chat with, our mothers shoulder to cry on, and a rabbi to learn with. Our spouse is to grow with, share with, and to raise a family with. Hashem wants for us to have a Bashert-even if we have a completely full life, we are still missing something without that person, and He realizes that-but that person simply can't be Everything.

There was a time in my life when a new Hermes bag gave me the same high as the hot pizza guy. B'H' I'm at least on the road where the material doesn't excite me to that degree, and the external is perhaps what grabs my attention, but it's the soul of a person that keeps me coming back. It's knowing that I would rather have a thirty dollar gold wedding band than the thirty thousand dollar diamond ring.

Go! Go P-Life and grab what is before you and continue to let go of your pre-conceived notions! Continue to use your interior struggles to help others-especially others in our Orthodox community in which dating can be most difficult. I remember reading once about Torah of Chesed. That there is no chesed or mitzvah in learning solely for the sake of being intellectual. Learning to turn around and teach/help others is where the mitzvot lie, and when the blessings come. This is what you do-you take your pain and struggle and love and help others by posting, by making them feel they are not the only one, by encouraging them, and by touching another dimension of their intellect. You pique their interest, and hopefully your struggles save them from having as many of their own. Your blessings are coming, P-Life! I send you all of my happy thoughts and kosher hugs...I've infringed so much on your blog, that I think it's finally time to start my own... Journey To O


So, here I am, finally starting my own after all of this procrastination, and I never even started it with the novella-like synopsis of my life I thought would be a preface to a reply/writing such as this past one. Perhaps not thinking about things too much is the way to go.
I look forward to meeting and learning from all of you out there. I am in the beginning of an Orthodox Jewish conversion. I am blessed to have found a path to Judaism, and although I have no issue with accepting Halacha as is, traditional aspects of Jewish life are what I have questions about. These questions are not always things I feel comfortable asking my rabbi, and this anonymous forum seems just the place to find out how others truly live and what their expectations are. Their private expectations and needs and desires. Shabbat Shalom. I look forward to more...