Cleanliness is G-dliness, Right?
I'm moving! To the Israel of Pennsylvania. Where I can finally walk to shul on shabbos and keep kosher and put my kids in day school. I've been waiting for this day, and all of a sudden it just feels that it's coming so quickly. I'm very excited and happy, but also overwhelmed. It's great that I feel Jewish when I'm looking in from the outside, but what will it actually be like to live in the fish bowl? Will it be the same accepting community, or will I feel that everything I do is being watched?
It's easy to say that we're not supposed to judge one another, but let's be realistic. I know many a neighbor will be wondering about me, and looking out their window to see what I'm up to. This is the ultimate test-If I can't accept and deal with downside of the community, I will never have a place in the Orthodox world.
I need some feedback about something that is troubling me. There is a family who often invites me for Shabbos. The husband is a very respected kollel rabbi and I love the intelligent discussions that happen around the table. The wife is equally intelligent, and very accepting and never makes me feel bad that the kids aren't doing everything perfectly, etc. If anything, she shows me that I should relax a bit more. She is always helpful, and I have an open invitation to spend Shabbos with them. I appreciate their kindness very much, but I'm having a problem with something that I'm unable to overlook any longer.
Their house if filthy. A fresh coat of paint would help, but wouldn't put a dent in what needs done. I try so hard to not let it bother me, but after seven months, I can't keep this in anymore. They are a frum family, with almost a dozen kids-not all living at home, but both husband and wife work outside the house. I realize that they don't have extra money, but I'm sure they can afford a box of Spic 'n Span. Seriously, it looks like one of those places on the news where Child and Youth goes in and takes the kids away, sans the dog poo.
Personally, I'm guilty of clutter. I'm guilty of going to bed with toys on the floor, or dishes on the counter. I know how hard it is to keep a house clean, although no one would ever think that my kitchen or bath was dirty. After taking my daughter to the bathroom today, I felt physically ill. If anyone is keeping kashrut to the fullest extent, it's this family. But, how can I eat in a home like this? How can I trust the kitchen? I want to learn from this family, but I don't know how I can ever go back.
Is this a sign of observance that I don't know about? That they're too busy studying to clean? I don't want to offend them, but they will notice if I stop coming. They have a lot to offer me- how can I get offer the filth factor? Am I being too sensitive?
posted by Above Rubies @ 11:13 PM
8 Comments:
Hmmm... thorny social problem.
Perception of cleanliness is relative; many Orthodox people maintain levels of hygeine that while most would consider awful, they consider "heimish", or homey.
Also, the more kids a family has, the messier/dirtier the house often is. The family you speak of probably is aware that their house is not pristine, but they have probably gotten so used to it.
My best friend and his wife have me over for SHabbos very often, and since my divorce, have been my default Shabbos plan. They have several children and an infant, and their house has always been really messy-- piles of mail, magazines, toys strewn about, and food often sitting out for hours. I get the impression that your Rabbi friend's house is even dirtier than that. (And recently, my friend splurged for a cleaning lady, which made a huge difference).
That could be a solution: Perhaps you could offer her a gift certificate for Merry Maids or something.. have it sent anonymously. Or, offer to help her prepare for Shabbos, either cooking or cleaning, and offer to help clean up a bit. Passover would have been a great time for that, but that will have to wait til next year!
I could deal with your regular shabbos destination. Wanna switch?
I'm talking about dirty walls and bathtubs and floors. DIRTY, grimy, moldy! Feh! I've thought of everything, and when I offer to help, I'm told to sit down because she has teenage daughters at home. I know that the one daughter is disgusted about it-and is horrified at the thought of bringing a shidduch home.
Does that sort of thing not matter in the dating world? A genius father makes up for a clean kitchen and money? I really feel for this girl!
The Mom just says that she's not a "fancy" person. She has to be aware. There aren't any doors on the closets. Although I LMAO today when someone dropped a paper plate on the floor and she sarcastically told them that they broke her "china." She has a great sense of humour. She also has a profound amount of facial hair that the whole community just ignores (I thought of spa gift certificates, but that would definitely be offensive) which my daughter pointed out today-insisting that "she" was a man in front of 20 people. I wanted to go down the street and drown myself in the mikveh...
Oh, NJG-I spent Pesach there. Trust me-there wasn't a difference...
I knew someone who was a professional organizer, and they told me that first (as with many things), the client has to admit they have a problem. This family is probably in deep denial, and have gotten used to the situation. I have seen photos that the organizer showed me of before and after a job (and a job could take months), and you wouldn't (or maybe you would) believe the G-d-awful mess. That people could live like that was amazing to me.
Anyway, unless they admit they have a problem, nothing will get them to change it. The shidduch-age daughter might be a way, though; she has more of a stake and could bring it up to her mother without the same fear of the consequences that you have. If her parents are at all concerned about her marriage prospects (and if they're like any other frum parents, they will be), they will recognize that this could be a problem.
Hmmm...Now that I think of it, the shidduch age daughter was away. I remember her saying that the house would go to pot when she was gone-and it was worse than usual.
I think I'm going to talk with my Rav. Maybe we can get some people to voulenteer without stepping on any toes. Thanks for your advice...
If they don't think there's a problem, there's not much you can do about it. Talking to your rav is a good idea, but if nothing works and you can't get used to the mess... what about gradually starting to spend shabbos elsewhere? You can take a meal elsewhere once in a while and then accept the other family's shabbos invitation "to be polite."
Ahuva-yes-perhaps occasional visits would be easier to stomach. Without my children in tow.
I guess once a month won't be odd-hopefully I will get more invitations so that I don't have to lie...
VBG-Thank you for reading. On some level I understand what you're telling me, I just don't realize why this is acceptable. If the 10 kids are going to make a mess, the then they should be helping their mother clean up. There is no shame in being a poor family. There should be shame about being a dirty one. What are the teachings on this? We're taught to be so clean when it comes to our bodies and the washing of our hands. It just seems odd that one's home shouldn't be a sense of pride...
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