Dowry No More
I'm having an incredibly difficult day and am completely depressed. My father disinherited me. Isn't that great? Everything I've ever done wrong and every way I've ever disappointed him came out today. That, and the fact that my actions are eternally condemning my children to hell. A life of prayer and modesty and loving Hashem and His Torah is apparently evil. When was my Rav going to tell me?
No matter how much I tell my family that I love them, they see my choice to be Jewish as a personal rejection. I'm in so much pain and I feel very scared and I just need to get out of this negative environment as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, I have about two weeks to go. I've cried so much that there are truly no tears left-just an aching in my head that hurts so much I'm unable to sleep. Is anyone adopting 28 year old women? Talk about feeling pathetic...
posted by Above Rubies @ 12:52 AM
10 Comments:
All I can do is offer you a hug. I'm so sorry. Hopefully what was said was said in anger and they'll come around.
Thank you. I could really use a hug. Or a million-even Kosher ones. They've threatened everything and I'm still going. Then they offered to buy me a house if I stay near them. Talk about manipulative. I just don't feel that I need to listen to the insults at this point in my life, but it still hurts to know that I'm disappointing them.
I have a message of hope for humanity in my post:
http://shmuzings.blogspot.com/2006/05/interfaith-marriages.html
As for the individual, he/she seems destined to be vilified and cast out. It is the rarest of cases where tolerance and reason prevail. How sad a commentary on humanity and even sadder for the person experiencing rejection. It’s difficult being rejected by one’s peers but devastating when the source is our closest link to ourselves and our past: our family.
I’m sorry this is happening to you but the path to happiness is often the most treacherous one to embark on. Good Luck.
Thank you Smoo. This is when it's hard not to have a family to go to. I'm converting for a magnitute of reasons, none of them being that I have a boyfriend who is Jewish. Although this makes my intent more pure in the eyes of others, I can't say that I haven't shed tears over the wish that I would have a warm and inclusive family waiting for me when this part of my journey is done. Especially when I can't share the joy and tradition with the one I was born to...
Sorry, Rubies. I can't really empathize, but I can sympathize. Is your family Catholic? They must be.... they're the only other religion that can lay on the guilt like that!
Here's a kosher hug to ya.... (no trou-droppin... ;) )
I'm a cradle Episcopalian. My mother was raised Catholic, though. Her mother about disowned her for changing churches. Have I mentioned yet that I'm positive that I have a straight matrilineal descendency through my mother? I just haven't been able to prove it...
If your mother was disowned for changing churches, the she knows what it feels like. It sounds like they're desperately afraid of losing you and trying anything they can think of. Have you told them that you still love them and want them to be a part of your life?
Also, don't forget that you have a new family waiting for you. Orthodox Jews can be amazingly accepting and loving. (A woman I had never met decided to "adopt" me as her sister last shabbos.)
I'm thankful for the Orthodox family that I will build-it just won't be the same as mine, or having a husband's to be with. I have consitently told my family from the beginning that I love them and want to see them, and that I will even come to the house for Christmas dinner! (Just not to church, obviously)They are having a hard time seperating my rejection of Jesus as from a rejection of them. They are religious- I know it doesn't sound like they are if they would be so angry-but it is cutting deep at their core beliefs and I understand that they're hurting. I just don't appreciate the treatment. Just imagine a Rabbi's son running off to Rome to be a Catholic-it would be a shanda-and my family sees my becoming Jewish as a shanda as well. I adore my mother-she will always love me-I just have to accept that she can never accept this part of my life. If she wants to pray for me, that's fine. Prayers of any kind can't hurt...
Don't worry-I know Chazal/Talmud. Well, I can't quote it, but I know what you're referring to! LOL
Thank you for your kind words and support. I have felt so lonely lately. It's wonderful to know that others out there are sending good thoughts my way.
Well MK, it would take 5 pages and I would bore you to death if I tried to get into every aspect. I started having doubts about Christian theology-but I never doubted one G-d. I started reading-and appreciating even the smallest things. Like thanking Hashem for what we have-just being grateful for simple pleasures. Being that I have always been a traditional woman, I felt drawn to a community who actually liked me as I was-men who were happy to hear that I wanted to have a family, etc. On many, many levels my core needs and what I wanted my life/marriage/family to be like fit into Judaism. I picked up books and commentaries about modern Jewish though, Torah, Talmud, etc-and it just made so much sense to me. I did date a few Jewish men in the past couple of years-but nothing serious and they weren't that religous. Two were Orthodox-but secular. (Obviously-it was before I had made a decision to convert)
I have an aunt and uncle in NY who are Jewish (conservative) so I was comfortable with it. It wasn't like a grew up not being around Jews. I grew up in an area of Detroit where there were plenty. I was searching for a more fulfilling way of leading my life, and this past winter I was physically drawn to call Rabbis. It sounds weird-but it was like something reached into my chest and pulled my heart and soul to shul. So, when I went to meet with the Rabbis I was about 99% sure that I wanted to convert, and was just looking for the right teacher/community to do it. The past seven months have just been in preparation to move my family into the community. I'm a week away from doing just that. I know in my heart I'm making the right decision, but I can't pretend that I'm not scared to death. Scared that I will confuse and hurt my children. Scared that I won't truly be accepted, or that the Bet Din will deny me when I've put so much on the line. I'm scared that my relationship with my family will never be the same, and that I will never have the chance to make a new family because of my "baggage"
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