Pleased To Meet You....

...And to share my life's most intimate details. As I mentioned in my last (and first) blog, most of my questions have to do with "tradition." Ahhh, lovely tradition. You know, that important stuff. Those all encompassing questions that seem so important in the world of the shadchan, and unfortunately, on Frumster.

"Does his mother use a plastic tablecloth?" Huh? I have to be honest. On my first invitation for shabbos lunch, I came across the plastic tablecloth. Well, actually, it was of a clear, saran wrapish consistency. I wrote to a friend and asked, "Is this expected of me?" And as always, this wonderful friend laughed (I could read the laugh between the lines) and made me feel better that I wasn't expected to do anything of the sort.

Now, I'm not trying to offend those of you who grew up with this. I just would love an explanation. I guess it would be because your poor mother just slaved to cook shabbos dinner for forty people and shouldn't have to do another thing, like change a soiled tablecloth? Am I correct in assuming this? Or is this evident of a sense of frumkeit that I know nothing of? Kind of like the hidden meaning of having chrain on the table-cause everyone knows, a truly frum lady wouldn't serve fish without it. (And a truly kind ger couldn't choke the fish down without it, either)

This is one of those simple, silly questions that cross my mind, and the last thing I want to do is offend my incredibly loving and accepting community by asking rude things of those who are so selfless and giving towards me.

And the questions keep on coming. Hours of neurotic thoughts that keep me awake at night. To me, it seems to be ridiculous crap. To the man I want to marry, this is serious stuff!

It’s funny in a way that I’m often asked how I feel about keeping kosher, or about going to the mikvah. These elemental stays of Judaism aren’t what I question. I’m about as shomer shabbat as I can be, but will be moving into the community very shortly and intend to be fully. I will have to stop studying for now in order to work to take care of everything and the tution of O day school for two kids, which is frustrating, but being Jewish and keeping Shabbat is more important to me right now than making money. I realize the financial repercussions long term, but I have to follow my heart for once. So, anyways, I'm willing to be shomer Shabbat, keep kosher, be shomer negiah, move away from my family and put my kids into religious school. I don’t think that’s exactly a secular life. I’m trying.

I think I’m more sensitive to the opinions of others because it is important for me to be accepted and not offend anyone. Previously, I didn't tend to care so much about opinions beyond those of close family members-but obviously I realize when I can’t listen to even those who I dearly love. There will always be families who are more frum than I choose to be. I can’t imagine not going to the beach or to a pool with my children when it’s 95 degrees out. I highly doubt that I will be going topless as I did in the olden days, but I don’t want to wrap up in a full length robe and shvitz to death. I really don’t watch TV, but I will have one in the house. Disney DVD's are to thank for the wonderful meals I put on the table-I couldn't keep the kids busy long enough to cook without them. I enjoy movies-they’re not usually the secular kind-I laughed and cried through Ushpizin, and viewed “Water” at The Paris in midtown a month or so ago-it was beautiful!. I adore travel and learning about other cultures, reading Latin American Literature and watching politics and movements in the outside world. I’m insanely curious and love to learn and understand as a way of knowing new people.

What I’m most sensitive about and what causes me the most angst is about how I dress, how I will dress, and the most daunting thought will be how I will cover my hair. There are a lot of things that I have accepted once they were clarified-but I can almost without a doubt tell you that I will just not be a sheitl kind of a girl. Ok, that's wrong to say. I may very well do it, but what if it's horribly uncomfortable and then I've broken a promise? I have fairly long hair which has always been such a source of my femininity. Even when my weight fluctuates, at least I have my hair. I realize how vain that sounds, and I understand that it should be seen only by my husband. Frankly, there's something quite erotic about that! So, to what extent should it be covered?

I became most concerned about this while reading a questionnaire on frumster. Don’t worry, I’m not on frumster-I was just curious. By the way, do I have to say that I’m a convert? I mean, it’s such a personal thing ! I don’t introduce myself to a new rabbi as a convert, etc. I’m not hiding it-I just don’t think it matters that much. I’m a Jew in my heart. When I’m finished, G-D willing I will have the approval of a Bet Din of almost ten rabbis-that should say something for making sure my conversion is kosher. That leads me to another topic about the Chief Rabbinate in Israel, but I will have to save that for later.

People will be choosing whether or not to write to me based on one answer! This is what drives me crazy about religious Jews-and I consider myself well on the road to being one, but it seems so ridiculous. What constitutes fully covered? I know many very well respected women who wear a hat on shabbos, and maybe not the other days. I know many who wear hats, but some of their natural hair shows on a daily basis. Then we advance to scarves, snoods, and sheitls. I think I would choose a scarf. Now, does fully covered not constitute the one inch of my hairline that will be noticeable? Does fully covered just mean daily? Will I lose out on a shidduch because I don’t know if I wish to wear a sheitl?

I find this to be such a personal subject, but I really would like a response. I know what you frummies will say, so I’m looking for women close to where I am (not necessarily converts) and to men who are looking for women like myself-keeping the laws, growing, wanting a Jewish family, but not wanting to get lost in the frum world.

I have grown so much-every month I see things differently, and I can’t begin to imagine and hope for the kind of Jewess I will grown into in the next five, ten, thirty years. And, when it comes to tradition, some things take time. So, is it wrong for me to leave the hair question until after I find the right man?
That doesn’t seem to be a possibility when it’s the first answer you guys are looking at-but isn’t that very much something a couple should discuss? It’s not that I don’t have my own opinions, but if the man I adored had a strong opinion about something, I feel that I would wish to respect the feeling-it wouldn’t be out of duty or guilt, it would be out of love. If he said to my, “Darling, it would embarrass me as a man to have a wife who had one piece of hair showing at any given time, so will you please cover up,” how could I possibly say no? That’s so very different than “A nice Jewish girl wouldn’t have to be told!” Same thing with pants. I tend to prefer skirts. I feel feminine in skirts. I do own a few pairs of pants and jeans that I wear when out in the garden, or taking the kids on certain activities, or when it's 10 below zero. I don’t think this makes me less religious-but if it really bothered the love of my life, it just doesn’t seem to be that serious of an issue to me. If I would humiliate his family by being seen in jeans, that’s ok. It’s not like I’m being wrapped up in a burka!

I just wonder if this different point of view will make others think that I don’t have opinions, or I am not religious enough to know the difference or make up my own mind. My point is just that certain things change with growth, and certain things change with love. I know NY pretty well-Manhattan first, then Brooklyn. Other areas I truly don’t know well enough to make an absolute judgment on. I see myself living in one or the other, but for the right person, would I not relocate to Boston, or Monsey? Why not? It’s the person and the family and the shul-not the city. What matters is being surrounded by loving, supportive people. I do also enjoy a community with a good amount of Ba’al Teshuva, because they often see things how I do, and understand what it really means to become religious as a choice and cope with possible rejection from one's family. I will do all that I can in order to know Hashem, it’s worth everything-but sometimes people who were raised in religious families aren’t as understanding. And surprisingly, sometimes it’s the frum who are willing to open their homes and hearts to me. I’ve been told that I’m very lucky to find Judaism in the community in which I live. That in other parts of the world, it isn’t so accepting, and there is a lot of pressure to conform. The only thing I wish is that the community was younger, but the city in which I live isn’t diverse or young as a whole. Young professionals tend to leave for the East Coast, and come back here to raise their families.

I see the same questioning for the men on frumster. From the outside (well, kind of on the outside,) can I tell you that I could care less? I started realizing why my profoundly respected rabbi was warning me about the chance of not marrying. First of all, I’m a convert. I’m a mother of two, so I’m obviously not a virgin. Kohains are out. I don’t have a Jewish pedigree-no famous rabbis in my family. I’m not independently wealthy, and my parents aren’t about to support my new family while my husband studies at the kollel all day and I produce eleven more children for the perfect bakers dozen. Most men in the thirty-something range I would hope to meet are married, or not married for a reason. Does this not sound bad enough? Now throw in the question of kippot. Are you Fu**ing kidding me? I now have to choose between shtreimels, Black hats, leather/suede, fabric, and knitted?

We have too many problems in our world to spend time thinking about such nonsense. Hypothetically, I just found an Orthodox man who will accept me as I am, accept my children, make a Jewish home with me, love and cherish me, be faithful to me, wants to make love regularly, has no disgusting habits or fetishes, and I’m supposed to care what material he chooses for his head? With one exception. I questioned the rainbow coloured kippa-instead of plain black or blue. A rabbi I trust smiled and gently said, “Unless he’s five, stay away from the rainbows.” LOL Ok-I’ll take his advice on that one.

I'm realizing that men will be judging me by how I cover my hair, or whether or not my skirt drags on the floor, and to be honest I could care less how he's covering his head. Hashem knows if he's wearing tzis tzis, whether they're in or out. I've never been much of a facial hair person, so I'll be happy just to find a man with a controlled beard! Who knew? There's a religous girl out there (yes, I mean me) who doesn't look at a man who's clean shaven and question his Yiddishkeit! There are millions of things I need to learn from all of you out there who will be generous enough to help me along my journey. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt for you to learn this one simple thing from me? Shavua Tov...