So Long...

I need to take a break from blogging. Something happened recently that made me feel very uncomfortable. A reader thought that I was somehow leading him on. I have a playful nature and I'm open about things, but I in no way insinuated that I was interested in anything. I wasn't.

I am not here to meet a man. I am not here to be propositioned by married men. I am deeply offended that after everything I have written, that a man would think I would have an interest in starting some sort of liason. I have posted and asked many questions about dating and physical parts of orthodoxy-simply because I am naive in such matters. Being that this is anonymous, I don't feel so immodest about writing about such issues. I am not an immodest person. I'm not a promiscuous person. Apparently, people think I am. I will really miss this part of my life. I hope that some of you will still email me and I hope to keep up with your blogs. I'm just feeling very vulnerable right now, and I can't deal with the added stress about having to censor my questions at the risk of turning a man on. This saddens me deeply...

Coasters and Cotton Candy

I took my son to the local amusement park today. He had been begging for months, and after finding out that today was the Jewish Community Day, I thought it would be the perfect time to go. I left my younger daughter with my parents so that we could have a special day.

We had so much fun! He's a really incredible kid, but we've been at each others throats lately. He's been anxious and annoying and teasing his sister a lot and I had found myself nagging at him incessantly. Getting him alone and just spending quality time is one of the best things I've ever done as a parent. I really got to see him as he truly is-away from pressure and disappointment-he was just so happy. We rode all of the rollercoasters he was tall enough to go on and towards the end, got soaked on the water rides. That was a little weird-since I had on tznius clothing. I'm watching all of the other people walk buy in their bathing suits, and I'm in long sleeves and a denim skirt. At first I felt that we stuck out, but I started to notice other frummies and my son got so excited. It must be what it feels like to live in Boro Park. To be somewhere completely secular, but to see kippot and tzitzit, and women in tichels. It was very comforting. One of the local restaurants catered in, so the kids could have kosher food. Isn't that incredible? I know the guy didn't make a lot of money, but he's a mentch to do that. I've never had to tell my kids no before-I couldn't imagine what it feels like to see all of the other kids with treats and to be told no.

I loved being his partner for the rides, and how he laughed as we went up and down on the tracks. I will never forget that smile. I even caved and bought a crappy souveneir pic of us. He said he never wanted to leave-that it was the most fun he'd ever had and "everyone we knew" was there. He saw the other Jewish families and knew that those were our people, from our community-even the families we had never met. He will be starting school later this week, so it's great that he already feels comfortable. I'm blessed to have had this day. He said I was a cool mom because I went on everything. As we were leaving, I ran into other friends-they looked perfect and put together-they even had their sheitls on. At first I felt kind of frumpy and messy, my hair was wild and I had powdered sugar on my t shirt-and then I realized that I just didn't care. The other moms missed out on what I had experienced. I'm sure that their husbands felt very proud of how good they looked, but my son, in his innocence, felt even prouder of me...

Miraculous Beginnings

I prepared for the worst scenario tonight-that I would have to go back and reapply. I wrote my Rav-appologized for getting so emotional, and told him that I hoped to have a better interview next time around, thanked him for his support, and said I would see him on Shabbos.
He replied. I stared at my inbox for several minutes. I just couldn't click the letter-I had been crying on and off for hours and I just didn't want to see the permanent result of rejection. I opened the letter, took a deep breath, and started crying all over again-this time tears of ecstasy.

The Vaad had accepted me along with my children. It was better than I could have hoped for. That means when I'm done with this process, and trust me, I'm not in any way thinking it will go smoothly-but when I finish, even if takes several years, my children will go to the mikvah with me. I truly can't imagine a more miraculous beginning. The image of being with them in the waters of Eden, of starting this as a family is more beautiful than anything I could have dreamed. It will be like being reborn, and giving birth to my children all over again. I can't comprehend why Hashem has blessed me so much, with all of my faults and failures. I never want to disappoint Him. I want to live my life in such a pure way that He is proud of me every single day. I feel so much comfort from Him right now. The fear has been replaced with joy. He has called me by name. He has called me Nechama...

Try Again

I bombed the interview. I had tears streaming down my face for the entire half hour. They started when I was reading Tehillim, when several of the psalms had huge spiritual significance to how I was feeling. I was so spiritually overcome that I wasn't able to stop them. Even when I was smiling and laughing, they still spilled over my cheeks.

I have never felt so vulnerable. I have never had to talk about every emotional part of my life in thirty minutes. To why I want to be Jewish, to the exact reasons of my divorce, my chidren's almost non-relationship with their father, and how much the acceptance of these men means to me just overwhelmed me. They even asked me about my emotional state after I was basically crying for 15 minutes. My Rav is probably more embarrassed than I am, and they most likely think I'm an emotional nutjob. If I had a box of brownie mix right now, I'd eat the entire bowl with a spatula ...

The Unknown

It's fast approaching. I have a meeting with the Vaad this coming Wednesday. They approved the enrollment for the education of my children, but said that I had to formally apply for conversion immediately, so not to confuse others in the community. My first feeling was that of elation. Finally! I've been waiting for this moment for months! I picked up the application, and trepidation soon set it. Am I sure? Is this for me? Should I be wondering at this point? I felt so certain until now. Certain enough to leave everything I knew behind me.

I'm trying to figure this out, and I think that anxiety is normal. This is still a new world for me. I have to sit in front of ten rabbis. I think that would feel scary for anyone. The application is extensive (and I wasn't expecting a fee!) Everything down to mental health, health of my family, my interpersonal relationships! I have about 5 of 15 pages written-need to finish up before Monday.

It's overwhelming me. If they don't approve, where do I go? I'm hoping for the best, but I have to realize that this is a possibility. I've been very emotional as of late, and crying at the drop of a hat. Never in my life have I cared so much about what others thought of me. Never has acceptance been so important. The acceptance of these rabbis is more important to me now than the acceptance of my parents. I know that I ask a lot of everyone-I'm always asking for prayers and good thoughts, but I really do need them, and I will be happy to say them for you or offer to say tehillim. If you have an extra minute before Wednesday, I would appreciate a shout-out going my way. Otherwise, I will be davening at a Conservative egalitarian "temple." The thought of that seems so foreign to me. I'm immersed in Orthodoxy. I adore Orthodoxy-even though I kvetch at times. Even though I don't yet understand everything, and I never may. I want an Orthodox family. I could convert conservative, but I would always be searching for more. It's the easier road, and although I respect and love all fellow Jews, that road just isn't enough for me. I want to push myself. Discipline myself. I'm capable of being more than I am.

I find myself hoping that this "calling" that I felt that I heard deep inside of me is real. I pray that Hashem bestows the blessing upon me of allowing me to learn, to grow. I hope the vaad sees something deep inside of me comparable to what I'm feeling. I hope that they can see my honesty and desire and willingness to work, and that the fact that I have born children won't hinder my acceptance. Life has been difficult enough. This conversion will be difficult, more difficult than the average because of my children. I wish that I had come to this conclusion earlier in my life, but it wasn't His will. Without the pain and growth, I could not have opened my soul to the beautiful possibilities of being Orthodox. Of being a Jew. Both of which I will be very proud to call myself.

Rapunzel

My last post where I mentioned my hair covering generated a few questions/comments that I felt I should write in depth about it.

First of all, accoring to halacha, I do not have to cover my hair. Not because I'm divorced-because I'm not a Jew, and even if I were a Jew, I wasn't married to a Jew in a Jewish ceremony.

I realize the confusion that covered/uncovered hair may bring on the singles scene. Since I'm not supposed to be dating right now, it doesn't really affect me. I live in a small town-if a man asks about a new girl walking around with children, he's going to get the scoop. I know that many women get permission to uncover, but I'm under the influence of the idea that when one starts holding somewhere particular, we don't go backwards. Perhaps if I were already established in a community things would be different-if I were a born Jew.

Instead of looking at a woman's hat or scarf, why not look for a wedding ring? I don't know any women who leave the house without their band. Many married women don't cover their hair. Does that mean you're accidently hitting on married women all the time? Smoo hit right on when it comes to tallit. Depending on if youre Sephardic or Ashkenazi you wear one before marrieage or not. I can't depend on looking at Tallit in shul to know if a man is available. I have to ask. I have to talk. Although, I don't look for rings since many orthodox men don't wear them.

Responding to Moshe-hair covering is a big deal, but a lot of it depends on one's husband. It does say where you're holding, or perhaps what community one is from.

I have not started covering for my ex-husband. I have started to cover for my children. In most parts of my life I don't care what others think, but I don't want parents of potential friends to think that they are illegitimate, or that we're not holding in a place where we are keeping kosher or shabbat. This was an incredibly difficult decision for me. I don't cover at home, and I haven't yet with my family. I did try tichels for a few days, but I bought a few Israeli style knit berets and I really love them. Sometimes I tuck my hair in, but I usually leave it out-and my hair reaches halfway down my back. The position I mentioned that I'm hoping to get would be at the children's school. Being that it's Modern Orthodox, and I am the mother of two children in that school, it would be appropriate for me to cover while at work.

My hair is a huge source of my femininity. I have beautiful hair. I know that sounds conceited, but I do. I have thick wavy hair-although the colour changes! LOL It took a good reason for me to do so. Would I cover if I were on a shidduch in NY? Probably not-but when I'm with my children in my own community I feel as though I should. Maybe it's hypocritical, but that's where I'm holding for now...

Hope For Us All...

There are lots of things to be hopeful about this week. My kids got into the MO school that I felt would be the best fit for them. I'm very excited for them to start school (and stop fighting with each other all day long!) I have inquired about a position within the community that doesn't pay well, but has many benefits and would allow me all holidays off-that's a huge thing! Things always get worse before they get better, and I hope that last week was my bottom.

I have a wonderful story to share. I have a very close friend who recently converted. As I've mentioned, we all get the "It will be difficult for you marry" talk when we go to the Rav. She's my age, but never married-less baggage than myself. A few days before going to the mikvah, she checked out Frumster. She saw a few hundred profiles, and there was only one person she really felt a connection with. She considered joining after the conversion was kosher just to write this man. A week after the mikvah, she met with the matchmaker. She put her profile up on Saw You At Sinai. The next night, the matchmaker called her with a name of a man she wanted her to meet. He was from the same city as the man she wanted to meet from Frumster. What do you think the poss ibility is? Like one in a zillion? She saw his profile and he was the same guy! He came in for the next shabbos, and she visited him, and so on. It's been 6 weeks, and they're engaged! That sounded a little short to me-but they're going to have a longer engagement-the wedding will be sometime after Thanksgiving! Isn't that amazing? I'm so excited you'd think it is my own engagement. It makes me want to stick my tongue out at all of the naysayers. Converts can get married!

On another note, I've started to cover my hair. I had been wearing hats to shul with my hair showing. I've been wearing tichels this week. It's a little different, but I actually feel kind of proud. And I feel just as pretty. If anything, prettier, because a lot of people just noticed my hair before and not my face. It is a little weirder out in the public-even in my Jewish neighborhood. I feel that people look at me like I'm different now, which is uncomfortable at times. A tichel is an obvious sign of being Jewish, kind of like my son wearing a kippah. I ran into a secular Jewish woman from my other life. She was pretty freaked out by it. I'm going to get more berets tonight-but I still think I'll wear the scarf at times.

I bought my son his first tzizit. He didn't like the idea of them when we were at the store. I went to buy 7 pair and the storeowner laughed and told me I didn't need to wash them every day. I told him I was trying, and he told me I was doing a good job! Can I tell you that this man is so stern that I was scared of him just two months ago? That gave me a secret smile-and then he gave my daughter a toy shofer that was so annoying I wanted to hit her over the head with it. I'm guess I should call my Rav about teaching my son about the tzizit. I'm sure once he goes to school and sees the other boys he will get used to it. Times like this I wish he had a father to show him, but I'm thankful that there are others I can ask...

Movin' On Up....

My goodness, what a week it has been! I'm seriously going through blog and email withdrawl. Waiting until morning to run down to Panera with it's free WIFI and check my inbox-and then only being able to type two lined replies because my kids are running around in circles. Maybe I should start a donation box as well. You can contribute a penny for my DSL and for tuition for los bebes. They're pretty darned cute!

I'm kind of running on empty. I'm just trying to get the apartment organized which is hard to do with the kids being home all day. I have a lot on my plate-setting up interviews for their schools (they may not take us because I'm not Jewish!) and I have to transfer this and that, and looking for a job to start in September that will give me off for Shabbos and Jewish holidays.

Someday, if G-d willing I get to be a housewife again-I will be so happy to cook and take care of my family and not have to worry about this crap. I have managed everything on my own for 7 years-the money, the bills, the household, their education-I wouldn't know what it would be like to have someone else do something once in a while-or take them to the park for 20 minutes so I could finish dinner. Not that I would get married for reasons like that-I realize I must sound selfish-It would just be nice to share with someone at times-share the duties along with the pleasures.

No one has visited me as of yet. My Rav just got back after several weeks away-I'm sure he has more important things than to make housecalls. I still have a few baskets left to kasher and toyvl(things I don't use everyday) and I want him to come out after that and give me the "OK".

I left my dairy flatware in the car of a friend who is on vacation-I'm sick of plastic already. How does one do it for an entire lifetime? Perhaps one day I'll have a Shabbos goy (my mother) around to do the Shabbos dishes. I do prefer to cut my meat with an actual blade instead of flinging it on the unfortunate guest across from me when the plastic knife slips on the paper plate.

I haven't yet put my Mezuzot up-I have to do that ASAP. It seems like such a huge deal. Much bigger than kashing the kitchen to me. It's an outward sign of "This is a Jewish home." Something that I'm not ashamed of or afraid of-it's just very deep and emotional for me to do it, and I want to concentrate on the importance of nailing them up and saying the bracha-not just throw them up in haste because they're supposed to be up.

I'm still a little on edge-things are stil up in the air. I'm still scared. I'm still afraid the vaad will deny me or that my kids won't get into school. I need everyone's prayers right now. I fully realize that Hashem works on his own terms, but some good thoughts can't hurt, right? I wanted to thank all of you who have been so supportive. This little blogosphere has become my "community." I'm grateful to all of you...

Getting Personal

There has been a lot of chatter about depression and the community after the unfortunate suicide of a young woman from the UWS community. Her death has made us all aware of how we need to help those around us who are in need. It's important to watch out for clues for those who may be having problems and to do everything in our power to support them. Essentially, we need to help them to help themselves.

What has gotten under my skin is comments by a couple of individuals who refuse to believe that this woman was depressed. She was apparently "sane enough to keep an apartment and a job." Her suicide is to be blamed entirely on this bochur who broke up with her, and the Orthodox community because it viewed her as too old to be of a marriageable age. No matter how many of us have commented to the post at JDaters Anonymous (still unsure how to do links) one woman just can't comprehend what clinical depression is. This has me wondering how many other people out there just don't have a clue.

Are there more of you that feel that pefectly sane women just jump out of a window because of a breakup? That suicide happens with no previous sign of a problem? Is there still a shame and stigma about taking anti-depressants for clinical depression? Do you view a person who takes meds as someone who is unmarriageable?

Is the depression of that person completely the fault of outside factors? If those outside factors changed, should one just magically feel better? As in, can a clinically depressed person who's not on medication find a husband and then all of her problems just disappear? I suppose that it could seem that way temporarily, when an endorphine and chemical high of falling in love sets in, but even that will fade and the initial doubts and insecurites will resurface.

I suffer from depression. I'm a pretty upbeat and happy person. Surprised? Should you be? I take 50 mg of Zoloft every morning. Am I a raving nut when I miss a dose? Of course not. Most of my depressing issues have been dealt with. But I've found that I'm least likely to get blue or to have a mood swing when I'm on it. I've contemplated going off the meds. Do I still need it? Am I getting dependent? What if someone found out and thought I was crazy? Or worse, do you think that I'm weak?

I've decided to stay on the it because it allows me to be the best that I can be. It keeps me from getting down in the dumps about a miratude of problems that make my life up right now. It doesn't change me as a woman-it just keeps the bad sides from coming out. I still get blue-I still get frustrated with my kids-but I recover more quickly. I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm a single mother going through some life changing events. I'm finishing up the divorce from hell. I have my kids 28 days a month by myself. I'm a student and have worked part time-I'm now looking for full time employment. To be honest, I'm exhuasted. A week away on a beach would do wonders for me. I haven't had a vacation like that in years. It's not going to happen anytime soon, so I'm just doing my best to keep on going.

There were a lot of issues in my life that I have had to work through in order to become confident and secure in myself. Once in a while I have doubt. The meds allow me to deal with that doubt and not get depressed about it. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I have found that I have to take accountability for my own happiness. Zoloft or not. I have to stay cheerful and optimistic because I have children who look up to me. I've been single for four years. It may be four more. I can't not live my life because I don't have a husband. Does that make me blue somedays? Um....Yes! I wish to have someone to give all of my love to and care about-to make a family with. I wish there was someone in the house to be a good example for my kids-who would love them like his own. But I'm not about to wallow in self pity until it happens. I have to keep on living. And it's ok to cry for 20 minutes once in a while when life feels hopeless or when I feel scared. It's not ok to let myself get into a depression where I don't get out of bed or leave the house or take care of my responsibilites.

In the past, before I took meds, I was very capable of pretending there weren't problems. You know, when I told my mother-in-law we were getting divorced, she said to me...."Why? You have such a pretty house! You'll have to give that up!"

Can you imagine? It didn't matter that my husband wouldn't touch me. It didn't matter that he was verbally abusive and that he came home late every night and didn't spend time with our family. It didn't matter that he had forgetten my birthday while I sat at the club for two hours waiting for him. It didn't matter that his alcoholism was out of control. It didn't matter that he beat the shit out of me when I tried to keep him from taking our two year old out of his bed at three in the morning to put in the car and go G-d knows where when he was drunk.
I felt as though my life was over, and all anyone can look at is the material part of my life. In the eyes of others, even family members, the car and the country club were important than my self respect and safety. In effect, having a husband was better than being alone.

What would others think if I got divorced? Were the material items supposed to make up for his neglect and abuse? This is what stems my problems with those who commented about husbands and depression on JDaters Anonymous. They make it seem that one can transfer internal happiness onto another person or thing.

If only my husband was successful. If only I had a husband at all. If only I had that car. If only I could send my kids to that school. If only I had a better job. If only I had sex every day. If only, If only, If only. Why wait until one has those things in order to be content? Why aren't we finding happiness with what we do have? I am so happy that I'm on this path. I am so happy that I had the strength to leave my husband. I'm so happy that I had a chance to go back to college. I'm so happy that I'm no longer in an abusive relationship, and that I never will be again. I'm not sharing these intimate details that I've never uttered outside of the family because I want your pity. If I weren't anonymous, I could never share these experiences. I want everyone to know that one can overcome problems and make better choices. I'm so happy that I learned to respect myself and to be happy with the life I can make for my family!

Why should anyone wait for another to come in to their life and make everything better? It sounds easy, but for me, even if it happened tomorrow, there are still some insecurities inside that wouldn't just be erased. For now, I'm content with what I have. If that means I need to pop a little pill every day in order to be the best mother I can be, then I'm doing it. There's no reason that my kids need to know that I feel sad at times, or for them to know what I've actually had to work through to give them a secure and loving home.

I've come a really long way from where I was 5 years ago, and I refuse to go back. I'm refilling my prescriptions, and I'm not ashamed...