The Unknown
It's fast approaching. I have a meeting with the Vaad this coming Wednesday. They approved the enrollment for the education of my children, but said that I had to formally apply for conversion immediately, so not to confuse others in the community. My first feeling was that of elation. Finally! I've been waiting for this moment for months! I picked up the application, and trepidation soon set it. Am I sure? Is this for me? Should I be wondering at this point? I felt so certain until now. Certain enough to leave everything I knew behind me.
I'm trying to figure this out, and I think that anxiety is normal. This is still a new world for me. I have to sit in front of ten rabbis. I think that would feel scary for anyone. The application is extensive (and I wasn't expecting a fee!) Everything down to mental health, health of my family, my interpersonal relationships! I have about 5 of 15 pages written-need to finish up before Monday.
It's overwhelming me. If they don't approve, where do I go? I'm hoping for the best, but I have to realize that this is a possibility. I've been very emotional as of late, and crying at the drop of a hat. Never in my life have I cared so much about what others thought of me. Never has acceptance been so important. The acceptance of these rabbis is more important to me now than the acceptance of my parents. I know that I ask a lot of everyone-I'm always asking for prayers and good thoughts, but I really do need them, and I will be happy to say them for you or offer to say tehillim. If you have an extra minute before Wednesday, I would appreciate a shout-out going my way. Otherwise, I will be davening at a Conservative egalitarian "temple." The thought of that seems so foreign to me. I'm immersed in Orthodoxy. I adore Orthodoxy-even though I kvetch at times. Even though I don't yet understand everything, and I never may. I want an Orthodox family. I could convert conservative, but I would always be searching for more. It's the easier road, and although I respect and love all fellow Jews, that road just isn't enough for me. I want to push myself. Discipline myself. I'm capable of being more than I am.
I find myself hoping that this "calling" that I felt that I heard deep inside of me is real. I pray that Hashem bestows the blessing upon me of allowing me to learn, to grow. I hope the vaad sees something deep inside of me comparable to what I'm feeling. I hope that they can see my honesty and desire and willingness to work, and that the fact that I have born children won't hinder my acceptance. Life has been difficult enough. This conversion will be difficult, more difficult than the average because of my children. I wish that I had come to this conclusion earlier in my life, but it wasn't His will. Without the pain and growth, I could not have opened my soul to the beautiful possibilities of being Orthodox. Of being a Jew. Both of which I will be very proud to call myself.
posted by Above Rubies @ 9:16 PM
8 Comments:
I will be keeping you in my prayers. Hope that whatever happens should just be for the best.
Your journey really inspires me.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
I really hope for the best for you. However, I know 4 people who converted and I think 3 (at least 2 I'm not 100% sure about the 3rd) of them were not accepted their first attempt. There's an idea prevalent in orthodox circles that one should discourage people from converting as the orthodox life is often difficult and gruelling. In addition, once one is accepted and the process is completed that person is a jew and the rabbis are mindful that according to orthodox law they will remain jewish regardless if they decide otherwise in the future.
I met one of the three the day after the rejection and he was very depressed but he reapplied and was accepted the second time. The same is true of a woman I know. But their attitude was 'I will get converted according to halacha no matter what.' And so they persevered.
I think that the possibility of not being accepted initially is one everyone applying should face. If the applicant's attitude is 'Well that's very upsetting. I guess I'll apply to a conservative temple,' then the rabbis would feel that they were right to reject that applicant.
Orthodox judaism with its myriad of laws upon laws and restrictions upon restrictions is very difficult. Once when I was in yeshiva and was consistently arriving late for the 7:15 am shacharis. One rabbi pulled me aside and we spoke abou the matter. He said 'You know, this religion spits out the weak.'
In any event I do hope everything goes well. None of the above was meant to discourage. It goes without saying that I believe an orthodox life is rewarding and enriching and well worth the challenges it brings.
Canada
I did not mean for my conservative comment to show that I would give up easily. Of course, after 3 or 4 times of being rejected, and feeling strongly that I wanted a Jewish life, I would have to go somewhere. I do wish to marry again, etc-I could do that as a conservative Jew, but not as a gentile. If things were to come to that point, I would hope to find a Conservative who was wishing to live an Orthodox life-then we could do it together. What other choice would I have if they kept on refusing me? I don't want to be anything but Orthodox, but I would have to find a group who would accept me at some point. Of course, I would continue to live my life just as I do now, hoping that eventually I could have a conversion according to halacha.
Rubies, don't even think about being rejected three or four times. Be positive. Really, nothing can go wrong with your meeting. If they accept your conversion, fabulous! If not, then it's an incentive to keep going just a little farther (or for a little longer) and apply again. You want to be a Jew. In your heart, you ARE a Jew. This will work out just fine in the long run. You believe that Hashem is kind and merciful, right? You believe that Hashem has a reason for everything that happens. So, deep down inside, you know that this will be okay.
Thanks Ahuva. Thank you to everyone. I can't believe how supportive you all are, and you don't even know me. I'll fill you in after the meeting...
Does everyone understand that I'm just trying to gain approval to study formally? I'm not asking for the mikvah right now. This is the crucial step. I'm trying to be optimistic, but I've talked to several people and it's pretty daunting. Those women went when they were engaged-I hope my lack of attachment to a man will somehow show more sincerity.
Anonymous-
MK is right. Judaism-- pure Judaism-- does not spit out anyone. It is often certain brands of Orthodoxy that spits out the weak, instead of supporting them, accepting them, and trying to better them according to their abilities. In many brands of Orthodoxy, most notably Charediism, conformity is the order of the day. Da'as Hedyot (daashedyot.blogspot.com) had a post about this today. Coming 15 minutes late for shacharis hardly warrants a "spits out the weak" lecture. I was subject to that kind of inane bullshit as a black-hat yeshiva bochur, and I can tell you it does nothing to "strengthen" anything; it just makes you feel guilty and worthless as a Jew. The rabbis who say things like that should be beaten with their gartels.
Rubies, hang tough, and if at first you get rejected (G-d forbid), try try again.
I don't have any issue with them wanting to test me-this religion does take great discipline. I will probably fail at a lot of things before getting it right-that's how I will learn.I still have not yet kept a perfect shabbos in the three that I could have. I know going into this that there are certain circles that I could never gain access to, and that's not my intention. I highly doubt I will, say, end up married to a Satmar Hassid.
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