Confession Time

Ok, I've got some splainin' to do. For the space of about a week, I harbored a flirtation with a 24 year old.

He pursued me. I had serious doubts, but he acted very interested-saying he wasn't looking for a woman who wasn't mature and ready for shidduch. I told him I couldn't date right now, and he said if he met the right person he would be fine waiting. I pondered it. For about a day.

It was nice to have the attention, but I started wondering how things could ever work. That's the danger of becoming Orthodox. I no longer just think "I could have fun." Now, 3 days into it, I'm thinking about long term. I'm thinking marriage. I can't believe how much I have changed.

My doubts grew. He called right before Shabbos and we talked briefly. He seemed pissy that I was busy. Hello? I have two kids at home with no help, and I'm cooking 2 meals, setting lights, finishing baths, getting ready to light candles, etc. I mean, if it were a real relationship, I would appreciate a "I was thinking about you-Good Shabbos, can't wait to talk with you after" right before. But this wasn't that kind of thing.

I called him back matzei Shabbos, and I had an asthma attack while walking to meet my friend. This isn't typical for me-but it's allergy related. He started making fun of me for choking. I said I'd call him back in a few after I felt better, which I did and he didn't answer. He called last night. I told him I was a little put off-that he didn't even check to see what happened or if I was ok. He made up some dumbass excuses, I felt frustrated and fell silent, and then he put it all on me and asked me "Do you think we're just not compatible?" in this completley arrogant tone.

That was it. What was I doing? Trying to explain my needs to a boy? I guess I got caught up in thinking Orthodox boys were more marriage minded-that's what he wanted me to believe. I felt to above him to yell "grow up" and hang up the phone, so I wished him good luck and said goodbye.

I'm in such a different place than most people in their twenties. I know it freaks everyone out that I regularly dated 40+ year olds, but that's where I am. I need one who is settled and secure and who knows what they want out of life. And,yes, I do expect someone to call if he thinks I may be ill. I've never been made to feel high-maitenance for such a simple thing. I'm sticking to my guns on that one. If someone can't call in that situation, making a relationship work would be just about impossible. The frustration I felt when I hung up the phone was enough to put me off the idea of another flirtation for quite some time. I'm actually glad that I'm too busy to nurture anything of importance right now. It took this for me to realize it, but it was a lesson needed and well learned...