I Needed to Share

The creepy days have passed. I feel secure blogging once again, and I missed writing and sharing so very much, but most of all I missed your feedback. This is my safe place. That's why I felt so violated when I was propositioned. I had to get over it, because I missed having people I could trust and be honest with and ask questions of who aren't somehow personally attached to my situation. I missed sharing the simchas. I missed the support system. It doesn't really seem logical, that I can have a support system from anonymous bloggers, but somehow, it has kept me going. Knowing that people are pulling for me gives me so much more courage.

B"H I got a job! It's the one teaching, and I'm so excited and everyone is incredibly helpful and wonderful. I almost feel guilty, because I will get much more than I can possibly give. It feels wonderful to be immersed into the community. I have been walking my kids to school each morning-it just feels very comfortable. Part of what I will do is very crafty and artistic, and I think I needed that right now.

I need to learn how to stop apologizing for taking it easy. This is harder for me to do than I had expected. In the spring semester, I took 18 credits, and maintained a 4.0. The summer was spent preparing to move, which was emotionally draining. My formal Judaic/Hebrew study is commencing. I don't feel I can handle anything else high stress right now. Living on my own is a little harder than I want to admit. I can't run out for 10 minutes here or there. It's just that I feel the need to explain to everyone what I'm not doing instead of focusing on what I am accomplishing.

"I'm not earning a lot of money." " I'm not taking classes this semester." " I'm not starting the masters program until next year." Why do I still feel the need to prove myself? I know that I'm smart. I know that I can cut it. A few years ago I was very afraid, but after what I have accomplished academically, I shouldn't be appologizing. Especially in this community. Of course there are a fair share of female physicians and financial planners, but there are plenty of women who work part time, certainly not at jobs that are intellectually challenging. I need to work on this. I need to stop trying to prove my ability and just focus on what I can handle at the moment. I want to focus on the joy of making paper Lulavim for my class.

I had a guest this Shabbat. Ahuva came to visit me! It was lovely to have her company, and she turned me on to many things-books, websites, etc. She also made me a little nervous about things I haven't learned yet. Of course, that wasn't her intention, but I've been concentrating so much lately on the move/kids school/finding a job, that all of my studying about Judaic life was completely centered on the laws of kashrut and keeping Shabbat to the best of my ability or knowledge. I forgot to unscrew the lightbulbs in the fridge-and I still opened and closed it repeatedly. (I couldn't get them to unscrew) I make mistakes, but for now, I feel that keeping Shabbat is not driving and not using electricity, and not doing anything that seems unnecessary or "work-like." I'm hoping that I start learning more soon, because there are things I've never heard of, like special makeup for shabbat, and not using bar soap because it's "taking away." I'm afraid of things like this. I'm sure someday it will be second nature, but I do need to be told. I felt kind of ignorant not knowing. Time like this, I wish that I had machetunim.

My kids are away this weekend. I haven't spoken to them-they were sleeping last night when I called, and my ex said they were running fevers and had horrible coughs. I'm very concerned. He's not answering and I'm unable to leave a message. I hate this part of visitation. I want them to visit their dad-and they want to visit their dad. Truthfully, I need them to visit their dad-because I need more than a one hour break once per month-I'm exhausted, and I'm not a good mother when I'm exhausted. BUT, I hate when I don't talk to them everyday-even when it's for 5 minutes. I have never once not gotten back to him when I missed his call. Never, in four years have I let my kids go to bed without calling him if they wanted to, or not returned his call. It's frustating. Part of me wants to say, "If you can't pick up your freaking phone, don't bother coming next week." But I know what would happen. He wouldn't come. And then I'd be overwhelmed. I don't like needing him in any way, especially for a break. It's worse than depending on child support to pay the bills. That's why putting college on hold was so hard for me, for it means another year where I'm dependent on an undependable person.

I spent today in the animal ER with my dog. B'H that Ahuva was there-I would have lost without her. Over several days, Sophie got into some various food items, including egg salad and chicken bones from the trash, and she was very ill in every way imaginable. We took her in this morning-and she needed x-rays and bloodwork. I'm glad that she's ok, and just needs some pepcid to settle her stomach and a special diet for a few days, but it was hard shelling out over 300 dollars to get her acid reflux medication. I adore her and couldn't live without her now. She's what keeps me from getting lonely. She's who I hold when I feel like crying. She always loves me no matter what. I'm horrible to complain about money, but it's not like I have a lot of extra laying around.

Because of the length of the ER visit, I missed my best friends L'Chaim. I'm pretty depressed about that. It would have been my first one, and since she converted, she wouldn't have had a lot of family there to stand by her. I let her know beforehand that I probably wouldn't make it, but I'm very sorry that I missed that experience. It would have been very nice to see what it's all about.

There is an open invitation to a wedding (renewal of vows) next Sunday, and I want to go. I've never been to an Orthodox wedding. I'm not expecting a reception with dancing for this couple, but I would love to see that as well. I think a lot of people take that for granted. "Oy, Another wedding!" For me, it's a special learning experience.

I'm having difficulty with jealousy. Ok, it's not real jealousy, but it's hard to see everyone else moving on. My friends deserve to be happy, and I want them to be happy. It's just that sometimes my throat closes up because I so want to experience that as well. Even though I put out that front of "it's ok if I never marry again" it's not really ok, because I really do want to get married again. I really want to do things the right way, and have more children if Hashem chooses to bless me.

I think what's hard right now is that I really shouldn't be looking. I'm not actually allowed to date, and I miss that excitement and feeling that another is interested in me. I miss going out and enjoying male company, and laughing over dinner and feeling hopeful once again. I don't miss the bad dates. I don't miss the guys who are rude to waitresses, or show up late, or don't show up at all. I do miss phone calls at bedtime and text messages and buying a new dress for dinner. I miss feeling pretty.

I've gained a little more weight from quitting smoking (and several stressful life changes) than I really wanted to admit to myself, let alone other people. My aunt pointed it out to me. She didn't say it to be rude or hurtful, but out of love and wanting the best for me. Even Frum guys want pretty and thin. I have never been a beanpole, but I need to work on this. Again. I think by dressing more tznius, I stopped caring. My arms weren't showing-let alone my back. I'm not supposed to wear tight shirts. When everything is a little loose, it's not so easy to tell when one has put on 5 or 10 pounds. If I had been wearing jeans, I would have noticed immediately. I think she mentioned it because I shouldn't have to settle because I need to take off 30 pounds. And if I don't take it off, I will have to settle. When it was 10 pounds I could say I was curvy. Now I'm just chubby. There. I said it. It sucks. It sucks to admit that it's not 20 pounds, let alone 10. I wasn't trying to lie to people. I had been lying to myself as well.

It sucks because it hurts, and because I'm scared. It sucks because I don't want to be a trophy for another man, and to worry that he's going to cheat on me because I gained weight when I was pregnant. I so want to feel loved for who I am as a woman and not my physical appearance, and I'm coming to the realization that the thought of a man adoring my for my soul alone is a pipe dream. I have made a cocoon of fat for myself two sizes bigger than I should be. This cocoon is my safety net. If no one notices me, I guess I can't get hurt. If no one notices me, I won't feel so bad that I'm not allowed to date. If no one notices me, I can't be rejected.

If no one notices me, I won't get asked out. If no one asks me out, I can't go on a date, let alone get excited, fall in love, and have L'Chaims of my own. I may be a divorcee with the supposed "baggage" of children, but most of the men I would want to date would most likely have plenty of baggage as well. I'm capable of doing well.

I'm kind of amazed that this is all spilling out. I didn't realize this was happening. It's true-one can change the scenery, but the issues deep inside always follow. My fear of being a trophy and then disappointing someone I love is becoming unhealthy for me on an emotional level, because it's hurting my self esteem. I don't feel as good as I used to. I don't feel as pretty, let alone sexy. And this all gets wrapped up and warped with a tznius way of dress, because I'm not really supposed to be sexy. I thought Orthodox girls didn't try to be alluring, but I'm noticing something as of late. The elbows and knees are covered, but the clothes are basically skintight. I'm seeing there's a way around being tznius, which means that women are using their bodies and the men are noticing, so I'm going to have to start working extra hard in order to hold my own in the dating sphere. I've been single for four years. This shouldn't feel so daunting to me, because I dated a lot before I started my journey to O. I dated incredibly brilliant and successful men. And they loved me because I was confident. What is confident? The last thing I feel right now is confident.

It is daunting, because this is new. Sometimes I feel I can be myself, but then I'm afraid that my personality is just too vibrant, or my sense of humour just a little too sexual. I have been censoring myself trying to be more modest. Maybe I don't have to. I don't see myself in the Yeshivish world. Maybe I don't have to cover every inch of skin and every strand of hair. Maybe I can still tease. Or flirt a tiny bit. Will that end up biting me in the ass? Once again, the central fear is of being seen as immodest. But, what is immodest? Modesty may have different definitions to you, or to your brother or best friend. If I lean towards the left, will I limit my chances?

I just can't help feeling that I will have to censor some part of myself. Either my blatant sensuality, or my teasing sense of humour with sexual undercurrents. I will have to hide my hair or pretend that I don't have such an, um, well-endowed figure. It's not impossible for me to do these things. I do believe there are more satisfying paths of life that don't have much to do with vanity or sexuality. But by pretending I don't have these facets, I have lost a part of myself that made me feel feminine, thus letting myself "go."

I need to figure out the boundaries. I don't want to be frumpy and dumpy. I don't want to be chubby and in turtlenecks forever, wearing blouses a size larger so that no one notices what's underneath. Is it possible for me to be tznius-of both look and mindset-and not hide what I have offer...?