Patience and Insecurity

I haven't been having the best week. I thought I would make some kind of effort to daven and say tehillim more, but sleep has overcame said effort. Part of me feels like "Hey, I haven't really wronged anyone this year," while the other part says "Daven hard, baby, or you'll never get to dunk and make a shidduch in 5767"

I've been pretty stressed. I'm broke. Actually, my balance in my account is -$5.62, as I'm praying there aren't any checks out there I somehow forgot about. My ex is a grand short for August. Isn't that nice? That was due 29 days ago. I still haven't received a payment for September-not a buck. That payment is due in, um....2 days. So, needless to say, I'm feeling sick about this. My once a month paycheck is coming tomorrow, but if I dont get a support check in the next two days, I can't even make my rent that is due in 3 days. I'm hoping Yom Kippur gives me some extended time or at least a half-assed excuse. My cell phone was turned off for two days since I couldn't pay my bill-Mom came through on that one, boy do I feel sufficient-and I had to max out my credit card to pay for groceries today. I haven't yet paid the kids tuition that was due 8 days ago. I guess they're trying to be nice-the heasmaster only has to walk down the hall to find me, and I'm basically working for free.

You know, I'm usually good about not kvetching. I really am. Living a Jewish life has taught me that ability. Everyone knows all of the wonderful things that Hashem has blessed me with in the past few months. But it's hard at times. When my ex, the attorney, making well over six figures is vacationing right now-and he hides his cash income and doesn't pay taxes and dispersed all assetts at the time of our separation so I can't "get" anything-well, when he and his office clerk paramour are on a beach, when he's late with his payments (and owes the children tens of thousands of dollars on arrears-and that' s just because I could prove a percentage of his actual income) well, I guess to put it lightly, I'm pissed.

I know how often I say I left it all. And trust me, I wouldn't go back. But it's demeaning not to have 100 bucks in cash when I am accustomed to a different lifestyle. I'm not asking for the jewelry or clothes, the club or the cars-I just want to feed my kids. (Ok, and myself as well)It is not easy for me to have to worry about every single dollar I spend.

Today, banking on getting paid tomorrow, I basically emptied my coin purse to buy a giant latte at Starbuck's. I even treated myself to an extra shot of espresso-being that I was planning on baking challah tonight, along with all the other pre-shabbos preparations.

I get home and find my divorce papers in the mailbox. My kids are nutty as I'm running around. I'm saving my latte for when I can sit down, after the groceries are put away and the dishes are done. My daughter is spinning like a tazmanian devil.

"Stop. Please stop. I'm going to put you in your room if you don't settle down." Empty threats, apparently.

I sit down, open my paperwork, being that I have to sign the marital agreement and send it back ASAP, and before I know it, the table next to me has been knocked over by the whirling dervish, and my venti latte has exploded all over me, my cream-coloured flokati rug, and worst of all, my divorce papers. Lovely. A good mother would have cleaned it up and said it was an accident.

Think that's what I did? Nope. I lost it. I screamed. I think I screamed for 5 minutes-I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a freak. I chased them upstairs and went into the bathroom and cried. I'm having mood swings inbetween feeling like the most incompetent mother in the world, to thinking, What the fuck? (If you're frum, erase this last sentence from your mind) Seriously, What the fuck? (Sorry Frummies-it needs saying) Can I sit down for 5 minutes with a coffee I had to pull dimes and nickels out of my purse to buy and sign my fucking divorce papers without some huge catastrophe ruining everything? Perhaps if I were calm and collected, well rested, financially secure-this would have been an accident and not a "catastrophe." To me, today, I "dropped my basket."

The guilt has set it. What am I doing to my kids? What am I teaching them? I feel horrified at my behaviour. Then I vacillate-I'm a single mom-I deserve a coffee and a few minutes to myself once every week or so. I'm so embarrassed. I want to hide when I see my neighbors. I'm not a bad mother. I'm really not. I have been doing so well-I haven't even raised my voice for weeks-but today, today they were just pushing and teasing and poking and name calling and I just wanted to lock them in their rooms and drink a double vodka. Good thing I'm too broke to properly stock my pantry.

As happy as I am that my divorce is going final (now that will be later, since I will need all new papers to sign) it is still difficult. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling sorry for my children. They deserve better-they deserve the best. When I brought them into the world I didn't sign up for this. I didn't do anything to deserve this. My ex just doesn't give a shit-he knows when it comes down to it, my parents will help me. I'll go "shopping" in one of my mom's extra freezers while I transfer credit card balances to make it look like I'm making payments. I'm grateful that they don't remember how things used to be, but I can't help feeling that I shouldn't have to deny two innocent kids a couple of treats because I just can't swing it. I wish that my husband would feel ashamed of himself. For one day-I wish he would feel the shame I feel when I have to tell my kids no to ice cream and fruit rollups. The shame and sickness I feel that I splurged on a 4 dollar coffee and it was for nothing-it wasn't even enjoyed. The shame I feel when I lose it, when I yell, when I threaten, when I cry, when I know that if I just felt financially stable, 99% of these issues would be extirpated from my mind, from my life. This is something that I struggle with. Money never bought me happiness. I didn't sacrifice my safety or mental sanity for material things. But having enough money to pay the bills and not feel guilty about an occasional Starbuck's, well, I can't help but feel that my stress levels wouldn't quite be to the breaking point. Who am I going to commiserate with? The kollel rabbi at my school who has 9 kids and is poorer than me? He's actually better off than me-he gets food stamps! Someone told me today I could go to the Kosher food pantry. I can't yet stomach it. I just can't. There should be plenty of extra chickens hanging around by the weekend-I just have to butcher them and cinge the feathers off myself.

I made this choice to be closer to Hashem, and I don't regret it-but it's hard when I have to look down the road and realize how this lengthens getting my BA and Masters, which means it will be several more years before I can be completely self-sufficient, which in turn makes me feel weak and helpless. This has been a vicious cycle in my life for the past 4 years. Wait and hope that the money comes.

I guess what is most appropriate for me to daven for is patience. Patience with my children. Patience with myself. Patience with the world. Perhaps if I could attain a level of patience, I wouldn't lose it and could ensure that I do no emotional harm to anyone that I love. I need to stop having daydreams of hurricanes hitting precise points in the caribbean. I need to give up the idea that I can ever offer my children "extras" again. I need to give up on personal time. Quiet time. Sleeping time. Bathing time. Those things aren't happening at the moment. I just pray that some peace enters me soon before I pass on the worst trait I hold-that of a temper that is rarely lost, but when it is, makes my children tremble in fear to be in the same room with me. They need love and support from me-I am the one safe place in their life and I'm potentially cutting the strings of their net by my lack of self control. I keep thinking "If only I were rested" but I have to come up with a better way,for my current situation won't be changing anytime soon...