Kashrus

I remember first thinking about keeping kosher. How daunting it seemed. How I took tiny baby steps. I started with not consuming shellfish and bacon/pork. Then I moved on to purposely not eating milk and meat together. When I moved out on my own and had to kasher and toyvl the entire kitchen, things at home were at Artscroll standards. Of course, I was still saying that I would eat dairy out. Or fish. But I didn't. I'm not dating, so eating out regulary to restaurants hasn't been a part of my life. I do occasionally eat by my mother, but not fleishig. I haven't yet kept 6 hours after meat to have milk-but I'm aware of it-I'm working up to that. So, when and how did I become kosher with these attitudes? When did I become a kashrus snob?

I stayed by my aunt in NY, whom I always boast has a kosher kitchen. Well, it's not as kosher as I thought. Milk and meat are mixed in the dishwasher. Most of the foods don't have hekshers. I guess that could be passable for cereal, but not for cheese. I found myself uncomfortable. Partly in eating there, but what felt worse was feeling that I had to say to my only Jewish relative "I just can't eat here." I didn't want to offend her, but somehow my levels surpassed hers. I ate sushi at one non-kosher restaurant while there, and even that didn't sit well.

I'm having an issue with something BT's may have encountered. How does one not offend friends and family who don't hold to the same (or any) standards? It is easier to tell my mother that I can't eat by her than it is to tell my aunt. My mother is at least trying-she buys kosher cheese/dairy and glatt hot dogs for the kids and keeps a special pan. I taught her to read hekshers and she listened. Her biggest mistake was getting Triangle K lemonade-not a huge deal. In my aunt's kitchen, I just wonder what the point is. I feel as though I'm being to harsh on another Jew...

Confessions: Part Deux

I have a freak flag that needs flyin'. No, it's not what you're assuming. Ever since I saw Strictly Ballroom in my adolescence, I have had a small obsession with ballroom dance. I've never gone to an actual competition, but I've seen about every cheesy dance movie on DVD, and ever since the first season of Dancing with The Stars-well, forget about it. I don't even watch tv other than Fox news. It's embarrassing to admit my pathetic addiction, but I sure feel liberated.

If I came into a large inheritance, I would hook up with one of my old South American boyfriends, and I would compete in Latin Ballroom. I could care less about waltzing and the jive-it's rhumba and mambo that get me hot. Since I'll never come into a large inheritance, I won't have to deal with logistics-like how it's impossible to be tznius and dance. I don't want to look too deeply into it-it's just a small simple pleasure. I miss dancing. Sometimes I think that if Hashem really wants to bless me, he will send some hot Sephardic ba'al teshuvah from Venezuela, who liked to salsa in his previous life, and will indulge with me in our kitchen. (We can replace Venezeulan/salsa with Argentine/Tango) Nothing gets my hips undulating like a mojito and reggaeton, but for now I have to live vicariously through others.

As invigorating as Simchat Torah is supposed to be, I don't think I can play that music while pimpin' out in my car. I know it completely freaks people out to think that there is or used to be this side to me-they just can't picture it, but I occasionally slip into fantasies. If only I didn't drive a wagon with two visible children...

The Best Shabbos Ever

Seriously. I stayed with the most wonderful family-I don't know how to begin explaining how fabulous yontif was. I left Manhattan for the suburbs Friday afternoon. While driving two miles per hour from Midtown to the GWB, my son and I counted about 450 Haredi families. I've never seen so many jews in my life, let alone in their minivans, with payos and sheitels, capacity overflowing.

We got to our destination an hour before Shabbos-we were visiting a friend and her husband, who also had many guests coming and going over the weekend. My son was so well behaved-I've never seen anything like it-and it was just so comfortable. It is the first time I ever felt that I could truly be myself, not watching my sense of humour. It is the first time I ever had a real drink (ok, an ounce of scotch) but I never felt free enough to do so before. I was able to see a view of modern orthodoxy that I had never encountered-especially since the whole community is this way. My own community is very mixed-with large Lubavitch and Kollel (Lakewood grads) influences, so it's much more machmir on a whole. It's so cool how I can live a shomer mitzvot life and be with it-and not just me or my family-my entire neighborhood can be that way!

I could gush for hours about how incredible this family is-how loving they are to their neighbors, how easy they are to be with, how comfortable my son felt. It was a two day yontif and he never asked for the tv once. He became ill on Sunday morning, so we had to miss shul. My son puked all over the floor and I was so embarrassed, but my host made me feel so normal about that happening. She was such a phenomenal cook-I never ate so much in my life, and the neighbors were so cool and ended up knowing people that I know from home. I wish that I could go back every weekend! It's wonderful to see this side of Orthodoxy-to know that I can live in a community just like that. I'm happy with mine right now, but knowing what is out there makes the idea of relocating much less stressful.

I don't know how I can thank this family enough. They have invited me for another holiday and I can't wait to go back. I wish that I could do more-offer them comfort they gave me and my son. I hope that someday I will be able to do so...

Time Warp

I find it perplexing how the lives of those around me move so quickly while mine seems to be at a standstill. In such a short period of time have I seen life-changing events happen to friends and family: engagements, marriages, pregnancies, babies-all things that I daven for daily. That old saying of "timing is everything" seems to be the story of my life, and my timing is definitely off.

For all the wonderful people who have touched my life and are starting new adventures, both male and female, I'm genuninely thrilled for them. I know the pain of loneliness and the hopes of finding bashert, and I feel relieved when others find happiness-it gives me a security that there is something out there coming my way.

I'm the first to admit my imperfections and even publicly laugh at them, but I also know that I can offer things that most women can't or don't wish to. I am warm and affectionate and not afraid to let myself go in any capacity. I'm capable of making myself vulnerable. I would lay everything out there for the right partner, be incredibly loyal and commited. I will not marry for a helpmate or a financial backer. That wouldn't be hard for me to find, and I could have done so many times over already. I'm waiting for someone who touches my soul in a way I never thought possible and who wants to build a Jewish home with me-appearance and affluence not important, let alone what most would consider to be "baggage." As if I don't have plenty of my own.

I have been fortunate enough to make a few connections with different men in the past year or so. These connections have always been unexpected-I wasn't looking and certainly didn't feel ready, but usually out of friendship, a spark became apparent. I don't expect a man to wait for me, for my conversion, and I certainly don't think one would-not in this society, where someone can meet and marry within a matter of months. But, stopping these unexpected connections and going back to my life as is, is not exactly easy. Feeling that chemistry and having to walk away from it can be painful. The hardest thing is pretending that I don't have emotional and physical needs and desires. To have that spark come out and have to just push it back down. Not that I would trade that feeling for anything in the world, but it certainly takes so much self control.

About one year ago, I had a very lengthy email correspondance with a man who told me it killed him to put the breaks on and not ask me for more. He said that he looked forward to pursuing things when I was "available" (kosher) and left a way open for me to get into contact with him when it was time. He's engaged now. I do wish him the best, but I hate to admit that there was a tiny twinge of "why not for me" deep down somewhere, as though I couldn't even admit to myself that I had truly hoped that he would have waited.

What are the chances? A really wonderful man isn't on the market for long. I have another situation with someone whom I'm friends with-but who I watch actively date. I think after the engagement of the first man, I see things differently with the second. He's a wonderful person, so when I know he has a date, I hope and daven that she's the right one for him. Perhaps it's easier to let go each time it happens. It wasn't until recently that I could admit that I have this small selfish side.

I recently had a very meaningful introduction, completely unexpected, at a time when I wasn't exactly feeling my best physically. I was afraid to make eye contact at first because I just didn't feel that I could deal with rejection right now. Isn't that odd? I just assumed that he wouldn't be interested and would reject me. Well, perhaps I was just afraid to get my hopes up, being that I know that no one can wait-so it's easier to just ignore any male within a mile radius.

When I allowed myself to open up, and look, I saw this beautiful neshama across a dinner table from me-this spiritual, commited man whose life may look so different than mine, but had so many comparable experiences and feelings it was as if I didn't have to explain a thing. I would feel his gaze upon me every so often and I would meet it, and although I felt I might blush, it was just so amazing, so beautifully innocent and intoxicating. Sitting inches away and feeling a chemistry that could be cut with a knife-but not purely a sexual chemistry-something emotional and spiritual. His eyes held passion at times, but they were mostly just full of sensitivity and admiration, full of warmth.

If for nothing else, I now have hope and tangible evidence of this kind of chemistry existing without a single touch. I have proof of how close I can feel to another while being feet away. Of how a gaze can feel like a caress. That proof will make it easier for me to get through this process, because at least now I know that all I questioned is possible-and if not with him, then I will know that how I felt with him is exactly how I should feel with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now I have to find the strength to put this experience away. I have to stand on the sidelines as he, just like the others, keeps looking for a happiness and a relationship that doesn't include me. I have hope-I have emunah-that Hashem will send the right man for me, and it may not be in the package that I had expected. I trust that I will feel that kind of connection again. But it's hard, knowing it's right in front of me and I can't grasp it, I can't ask for it. I can't have expectations or ask a man to wait for me because that wouldn't be fair to an amazing individual who has every right to chase his happiness, to complete his life. I understand this. And I care about these men-and I know what is meant to be is meant to be, and that they may touch my life for one month, or one day, and I can't count on more. They affected my life so that I could learn. So that I could prepare.

I felt different on this last occasion than I ever had in my life. I felt attraction that really had nothing to do with animal magnetism-I felt attracted to the complete soul-good and bad-and I felt utmost respect for how this man was trying so hard to conduct his life in a way conducive to the needs of his family. When we talked, he unexpectedly said that he couldn't offer me enough, that he wasn't good enough. I was taken by such surprise by his compliments of my own character-feeling modest at the thought that someone I felt such respect for would compliment me in such a way that I didn't deserve. I never expected him to offer me some sort of explanation as to why things couldn't work right now because we had simply exchanged some meaningful glances. I wasn't prepared to handle this. It's not as though we had been dating. Alll I wanted to do was embrace him and stroke him and tell him that how he made me feel when he looked at me was different than anything I ever felt, let alone imagined. I felt precious and adored. I ended up telling him that I felt 17 again, and that I felt excited and somehow secure knowing that the chemistry was possible, but I wasn't able to share the rest and I tried to make light of it by saying "Don't worry-I'm not asking for a commitment-I don't know why you would think I would right now. I can't make a shidduch-I have to convert first, so feel free to live your life." That was a strange thing to tell someone who had never actually taken me out. The connection developed that quickly, over a matter of 24 hours. I think that is what surprised me most-that in that amount of time, he was honest enough to admit a special chemistry and give me an explanation, although he didn't owe me one. He said he didn't want to push because he doesn't want to place my conversion in jeopardy-which again, just shows the depth of his character. I have to accept that he, like the others, will most likely meet a woman and marry her before I'm even converted-and I will be happy for him, but I have to admit that I will probably have a tinge of jealousy, of selfishness. I wish I had a purer heart that wouldn't feel this way. Not even for 3 seconds, but I know that is how I will feel when I know he isn't available. I wish I had the chutzpah to ask him to wait-what a selfish thing that would be for me to do. I see the exact shade of his eyes when I close mine, and I hope that starts to fade quickly. I don't want to make him uncomfortable if we ever meet again-or to feel that he owes me something. If I see him again and he is involved, I would hope that things could just be friendly and comfortable. I suppose I will just have to be comforted in my faith that there will be someone comparable when Hashem wishes it-no human can ever be the same as another, but the traits I admired and the way that I felt will be a possibility. When the timing is right...

Raising Eyebrows

My trip into Manhattan was a little stressful with the plane crash and all. My son was hyper and we were walking in the rain in midtown when he asked if we could get a drink. I was happy to oblige him. Now, I can't be the only mother that ever dragged her 6 year old into the Bear and Bull at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday night, but people sure were staring. It must have been the tzistzis....

Appearances

It's funny how something like a salon visit can pick me up. To have a few hours to myself, to chat with everyone I have known for ten years. I got highlights and had my hair blown straight (something that I rarely do because it takes an hour) and I felt good again. I felt like dressing up and going out. I put on something less"mommy" than I have been wearing, and went to the neighbors for Succos. Several (cute) men were in visiting from NY and everyone paid attention when I came in. It's wonderful how easily this happened. It didn't matter to me that I'm still a chubby size 14-I felt sexy once again, I felt noticed-without showing cleavage or knees. I think I'm finding my ground when it comes to being tznius. I'm figuring out my boundaries-not crossing them, but perhaps pressing just a little.

I walked into the room when one of the men was asking specifically about me and if my divorce was final, etc. I pretended not to notice and said my goodbyes, but I had a huge smile on my face when I left that night. One put my wrap over my shoulders, another held the door and carried the stroller down the stairs, and another walked my children and I home. I don't think that would have happened the week before. If I hadn't had my hair done that day, I wouldn't have felt so good or portrayed the same confidence.

Being financially strapped as of late, I had to stop doing the things that made me feel good-belonging to a gym, having a manicure, getting my hair coloured, but I think I'm going to have to find a way to do this again. I feel better when I'm taking care of myself, so it's time to start doing just that....

Multiples

Upon welcoming yet another set of twins into the community, I find myself amazed at how often this is occurring. In the secular world, when I see a 38 year old woman with her firstborn children and they happen to be twins, It's a no-brainer as to why. But, in the frum community, especially the black hat world, twins seem to be a normal occurrence. Perhaps I'm naive, but I doubt a kollel family with a 30 year old wife on her 6th pregnancy is using fertility drugs, let alone in vitro. Is the Jewish community predisposed genetically for twins, or is it just a numbers game? If every family in America had more children, would there be more multiple births everywhere, within various communities? Another thought comes after I spoke with a Rabbi about this subject. He said he never remembers multiple births. That 40 years ago there were plenty of women having 8 or 10 children, and rarely did one see twins.

This leads me to another question. When discussing this particular birth over Shabbos lunch, I asked if this situation would be appropriate for a heter. Of course, the family looked at me as if I were insane and questioned why I thought so. The circumstances were that the mother was on bed rest for several months, leaving a gaggle of children to be tended by grandmothers. I'm sure they were happy to help out, but it was obviously stressful on everyone and I saw evidence of the stress in one of the children, who happens to be in my class.

A weak cervix, which demands bed rest, is not likely to improve with subsequent pregnancies. When one already has many children, it just seems odd to me to keep having when half of the pregnancy may be spent in the hospital. It doesn't seem fair to the exisiting children who need their mother, just to bring more into the world. I realize that some women will go to any length to have more and more, but at what point does one stop? Is the security of the toddlers in the family not important? Am I out of line for thinking that the well being of these children would stop a family from trying for more?

Charity, Acceptance, and Dreaming of Escape

I haven't been having luck with a dsl signal lately-it has been difficult to find time to write. For once, I'm not sure where to start.

After my paycheck, I needed exactly 300 dollars to make rent. I didn't know what to do-buy groceries or pay the bill. On shabbos, my Rav pulled me aside-he said he needed to speak with me. I'm immediately thinking "Oh, no! What did I do?" He told me that he had some extra funds available and would I be open to accepting a gift to help with the holidays. I have never taken charity in my entire life. Part of me wanted to say no-I have a lot of pride, but it wavers when it comes to my children. I got teary, as usual, and accepted. I think I was actually flattered. That wasn't what most people would feel after being offered charity, but the fact that my rabbi was thinking about me enough to offer me something that he could have offered a "real" Jew had a huge impact. I actually belong here-He thinks that I belong. It's hard to describe what that feels like after all of this time. The check came-for exactly 300 dollars. Another prayer answered.

I was very nervous about fasting. I had never wholeheartedly tried to do so. It's obvious from previous posts that the idea of starving is of a pervese nature-It's the Jewish mother in me-I can't stand the thought of anyone going hungry, especially myself! I got home late-wasn't able to eat with a family before or after a fast since I can't for yontif unless it's shabbos. I kind of just ate some pasta, and at the last minute shoved down an ice cream sandwich-the calories couldn't hurt. I drank an extra glass of water and took my meds early.

Something miraculous occurred. I was not hungry. Not that night, or the next morning. I kept waiting for the hunger pains. Usually if I don't breakfast, my tummy is rumbling by noon. I went to shul for a little over 4 hours and walked home after mussaf. At that point I was very thirsty and had about a tablespoon of water. The thirst never left me, and I was weak, so I rested and davened alone the rest of the day. After a friend described the final parts of the service it pained me that I wasn't strong enough to walk the kids back to shul. At 5 I gave myself another hour, and then another. I just kept busy with my machzor and all of a sudden it was almost 8. As soon as I made Havdalah my stomach started rumbling! LOL

What amazes me is that I have never disciplined myself like this. Without Hashem, I wouldn't have been able to. I didn't want to let Him down. Isn't that weird? I thought to myself "He has blessed me with no hunger pains all day. Why would I break early when he blessed me so much?" I can't really describe the feeling I have. I'm kind of proud. Very surprised. I think fasting was the one thing that I never felt I would be capable of. I'm not saying this to brag. I realize that next year I may wake up hungry. But, for this first year, I received yet another blessing from above, and I know that with G-d, I have the strength to get through something I thought was unachievable. The services were moving. I was most emotional at Maariv on Sunday night. "Confession" time had me sobbing. I feel a different kind of peace this week, on top of exhaustion, but I'm a different person than I was even a week ago.

I still haven't done tashlich. I was waiting to do it in NY. I was thinking of going to the boat basin. With my divorce going final, I thought it would be appropriate to throw my wedding ring in the river along with my sins-I'm ready to be free. My aunt is feeling neurotic after the holidays and doesn't know if she can handle a visit next week, which leaves me feeling disappointed and a bit pissed off. I don't expect her to take the week off of work-I'm perfectly capable of entertaining my son in the city-I just need a free place to crash. I know that sounds crass, but I did just see her a few weeks ago. It's nice to have dinner at night, see a movie, get my nails done and chat over coffee-other than that, I'm not a high maitenance guest. If anything, I cook and organize for them while I'm visiting. My son is very disappointed at the thought that we may not go in-especially since our next break won't be until the end of January. I really wanted to take him into Brooklyn-to see the sukkahs.

This is my favourite time of year in the city. Sweater weather, but no need for a winter coat. I love how crisp things feel in October. The feeling of a chilly morning, open windows, and a feather duvet. January, with the freezing winds cutting right through my coat would not be as enjoyable-not with a child. The one thing I hate is having a break and staying home. I have been so broke the past few years that I haven't travelled much except into the city and to visit friends in DC. I haven't even been to Miami in almost 2 years. Although, my topless beach days and nights of dancing salsa are pretty much over, so it probably wouldn't be the same. I wish I didn't spend almost 30 grand on legal bills. It sure would have been nice to take one decent vacation with the kids. We have never done anything as a family. I'm too afraid to take both of them alone. They have never seen the beach. My friends and neighbors asked me to tag along with them to Israel next week. I wish! How easy they made it seem. I dream of going, but it would probably be more meaningful after the mikveh. I know that someday I'll be able to pay for hotels, to go places and enjoy vacations without having to depend on extra bedrooms at friends houses, but I still wish it was now. I still feel a little jealous when I see families taking vacations. Part of it is my need to get away once in a while and rejuvenate. I get restless. I need a change of scenery. For a few days twice a year I need to forget the stress. I know that it is temporary escapism, but it works-I come back ready to deal with everything. The other part is that I want my kids to know what it is like to have a family vacation (that knd of includes having a "dad" there as well.) They ask me when we can go here or there and I tell them "one day." I know I'm not lying-but it's going to take longer than their young minds can grasp. Sometimes waiting for things takes longer than my own mind can grasp. If I wasn't single, I wouldn't be living this life-but It's shocking that I have basically been single for over four years. I was talking about that with someone recently. When everyone I know thinks I'm so caring and good, so fun and pretty, I start to wonder what I'm doing wrong-why I can't meet a man who wants to and is capable of making a life long commitment to me. Of course, that's another post entirely....