Charity, Acceptance, and Dreaming of Escape

I haven't been having luck with a dsl signal lately-it has been difficult to find time to write. For once, I'm not sure where to start.

After my paycheck, I needed exactly 300 dollars to make rent. I didn't know what to do-buy groceries or pay the bill. On shabbos, my Rav pulled me aside-he said he needed to speak with me. I'm immediately thinking "Oh, no! What did I do?" He told me that he had some extra funds available and would I be open to accepting a gift to help with the holidays. I have never taken charity in my entire life. Part of me wanted to say no-I have a lot of pride, but it wavers when it comes to my children. I got teary, as usual, and accepted. I think I was actually flattered. That wasn't what most people would feel after being offered charity, but the fact that my rabbi was thinking about me enough to offer me something that he could have offered a "real" Jew had a huge impact. I actually belong here-He thinks that I belong. It's hard to describe what that feels like after all of this time. The check came-for exactly 300 dollars. Another prayer answered.

I was very nervous about fasting. I had never wholeheartedly tried to do so. It's obvious from previous posts that the idea of starving is of a pervese nature-It's the Jewish mother in me-I can't stand the thought of anyone going hungry, especially myself! I got home late-wasn't able to eat with a family before or after a fast since I can't for yontif unless it's shabbos. I kind of just ate some pasta, and at the last minute shoved down an ice cream sandwich-the calories couldn't hurt. I drank an extra glass of water and took my meds early.

Something miraculous occurred. I was not hungry. Not that night, or the next morning. I kept waiting for the hunger pains. Usually if I don't breakfast, my tummy is rumbling by noon. I went to shul for a little over 4 hours and walked home after mussaf. At that point I was very thirsty and had about a tablespoon of water. The thirst never left me, and I was weak, so I rested and davened alone the rest of the day. After a friend described the final parts of the service it pained me that I wasn't strong enough to walk the kids back to shul. At 5 I gave myself another hour, and then another. I just kept busy with my machzor and all of a sudden it was almost 8. As soon as I made Havdalah my stomach started rumbling! LOL

What amazes me is that I have never disciplined myself like this. Without Hashem, I wouldn't have been able to. I didn't want to let Him down. Isn't that weird? I thought to myself "He has blessed me with no hunger pains all day. Why would I break early when he blessed me so much?" I can't really describe the feeling I have. I'm kind of proud. Very surprised. I think fasting was the one thing that I never felt I would be capable of. I'm not saying this to brag. I realize that next year I may wake up hungry. But, for this first year, I received yet another blessing from above, and I know that with G-d, I have the strength to get through something I thought was unachievable. The services were moving. I was most emotional at Maariv on Sunday night. "Confession" time had me sobbing. I feel a different kind of peace this week, on top of exhaustion, but I'm a different person than I was even a week ago.

I still haven't done tashlich. I was waiting to do it in NY. I was thinking of going to the boat basin. With my divorce going final, I thought it would be appropriate to throw my wedding ring in the river along with my sins-I'm ready to be free. My aunt is feeling neurotic after the holidays and doesn't know if she can handle a visit next week, which leaves me feeling disappointed and a bit pissed off. I don't expect her to take the week off of work-I'm perfectly capable of entertaining my son in the city-I just need a free place to crash. I know that sounds crass, but I did just see her a few weeks ago. It's nice to have dinner at night, see a movie, get my nails done and chat over coffee-other than that, I'm not a high maitenance guest. If anything, I cook and organize for them while I'm visiting. My son is very disappointed at the thought that we may not go in-especially since our next break won't be until the end of January. I really wanted to take him into Brooklyn-to see the sukkahs.

This is my favourite time of year in the city. Sweater weather, but no need for a winter coat. I love how crisp things feel in October. The feeling of a chilly morning, open windows, and a feather duvet. January, with the freezing winds cutting right through my coat would not be as enjoyable-not with a child. The one thing I hate is having a break and staying home. I have been so broke the past few years that I haven't travelled much except into the city and to visit friends in DC. I haven't even been to Miami in almost 2 years. Although, my topless beach days and nights of dancing salsa are pretty much over, so it probably wouldn't be the same. I wish I didn't spend almost 30 grand on legal bills. It sure would have been nice to take one decent vacation with the kids. We have never done anything as a family. I'm too afraid to take both of them alone. They have never seen the beach. My friends and neighbors asked me to tag along with them to Israel next week. I wish! How easy they made it seem. I dream of going, but it would probably be more meaningful after the mikveh. I know that someday I'll be able to pay for hotels, to go places and enjoy vacations without having to depend on extra bedrooms at friends houses, but I still wish it was now. I still feel a little jealous when I see families taking vacations. Part of it is my need to get away once in a while and rejuvenate. I get restless. I need a change of scenery. For a few days twice a year I need to forget the stress. I know that it is temporary escapism, but it works-I come back ready to deal with everything. The other part is that I want my kids to know what it is like to have a family vacation (that knd of includes having a "dad" there as well.) They ask me when we can go here or there and I tell them "one day." I know I'm not lying-but it's going to take longer than their young minds can grasp. Sometimes waiting for things takes longer than my own mind can grasp. If I wasn't single, I wouldn't be living this life-but It's shocking that I have basically been single for over four years. I was talking about that with someone recently. When everyone I know thinks I'm so caring and good, so fun and pretty, I start to wonder what I'm doing wrong-why I can't meet a man who wants to and is capable of making a life long commitment to me. Of course, that's another post entirely....