Multiples
Upon welcoming yet another set of twins into the community, I find myself amazed at how often this is occurring. In the secular world, when I see a 38 year old woman with her firstborn children and they happen to be twins, It's a no-brainer as to why. But, in the frum community, especially the black hat world, twins seem to be a normal occurrence. Perhaps I'm naive, but I doubt a kollel family with a 30 year old wife on her 6th pregnancy is using fertility drugs, let alone in vitro. Is the Jewish community predisposed genetically for twins, or is it just a numbers game? If every family in America had more children, would there be more multiple births everywhere, within various communities? Another thought comes after I spoke with a Rabbi about this subject. He said he never remembers multiple births. That 40 years ago there were plenty of women having 8 or 10 children, and rarely did one see twins.
This leads me to another question. When discussing this particular birth over Shabbos lunch, I asked if this situation would be appropriate for a heter. Of course, the family looked at me as if I were insane and questioned why I thought so. The circumstances were that the mother was on bed rest for several months, leaving a gaggle of children to be tended by grandmothers. I'm sure they were happy to help out, but it was obviously stressful on everyone and I saw evidence of the stress in one of the children, who happens to be in my class.
A weak cervix, which demands bed rest, is not likely to improve with subsequent pregnancies. When one already has many children, it just seems odd to me to keep having when half of the pregnancy may be spent in the hospital. It doesn't seem fair to the exisiting children who need their mother, just to bring more into the world. I realize that some women will go to any length to have more and more, but at what point does one stop? Is the security of the toddlers in the family not important? Am I out of line for thinking that the well being of these children would stop a family from trying for more?
posted by Above Rubies @ 10:40 AM
4 Comments:
As a father of multiples, I believe that anything more than twins is malpractice on the part of the fertility doctor and just plain stupidity on the part of the parent who pushed to have the procedure no matter the outcome. I have witnessed the burden place on my family; I have seen other siblings not receiving their due attention; I have watched my marriage disintegrate from the stress which these admittedly fantastic children have brought. I am doomed to a future of bankruptcy with no financial future for my kids. No vacations and always living on the edge. They won’t get anything remotely close to what they will see their friends get. They will be deprived. Deprived monetarily and emotionally.
I didn’t have enough hands to hold all the babies, one baby would have to cry and wait while the others were being fed. The amount of love and attention I was able to give earlier children now had to be rationed out. Pity the children who have to endure this life. My kids are the ones that suffer the most, from the divorce and from the competition for my attention.
I blame my weakness in not having the strength to say NOOOOO, enough is enough to my (now ex-) wife. We have kids, what’s the rush for more, why push the fertility drugs? But she cries and cries and wants more and it comes to a point where I would do anything to shut her up (I also wanted her to be happy but I don’t think she will ever know how to find that. That comes from inside, not from material possession or obtaining that which one doesn’t yet have).
So go out there, have fun, have fun with sex. Stop making it into this ominous overpowering event whose only goal is to maximize children with minimal sex. Maybe if people would just enjoy it more for its own sake with less pressure, children would follow at the rate God intended – one at a time. Start thinking about what’s best for the product of your union more so than your selfish needs; plan properly and give them the best life and the happiest. It’s too late for my tribe.
But at least I don’t sound bitter!
All I can add is that whenever my frum doctor friends hear of a multiple pregnancy or birth they immediately assume fertility drugs, unless twins really run in the family. First pregnancy or fifth, that is the working assumption.
Smoo, buddy-I don't even know where to start...
Shmilda-I'm having a hard time understanding why people with 4 or 5 healthy children would use fertility treatments. I am able to grasp the idea of having as many children as G-d intends, but this is a different story.
If G-d "intended" for these couples to have children, they wouldn't need fertility treatments. I guess these are the same people that give birth to quintuplets because it is somehow against halacha to reduce because "G-d" placed 5 babies in utero, but it wasn't G-d, it was a physician. Perhaps G-d allowed for the scientific advances to be made to help childless couples, or couples with one or two children. If one has 6 children and needs a doctor to have more, than is it not fair to say that more children just "weren't meant to be?"
I'm not trying to say that a family shouldn't be allowed to do whatever they choose-I'm just confused as to why so many people don't think of the consequences of doing so. Forget the financial implications. I have two children and as a single mom, can barely give them enough attention. I am open to having more children. Depending on my future husband-that could be from one to four-but if I'm incapable of getting pregnant, as disappointing as it may be not to share that with my husband, I feel that Hashem has blessed me with two and that's good enough. At the most, I could see treatment to have one child "together." But 6 more? Not on your life! Am I missing something?
A friend of mine is the oldest of eight. Apparently the tiredness does wear off. When she was first married a year ago, my friend sounded just like vbg. Now she's starting to look forward to having one of her own.
From what I can see, there is a lot of pressure in the heredi world to have as many children as possible. Some women are told to stop breast feeding early to increase their chances of having children, other women take fertility drugs. Personally, I'm glad that I'm too old to have more than three or four.
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