Time Warp

I find it perplexing how the lives of those around me move so quickly while mine seems to be at a standstill. In such a short period of time have I seen life-changing events happen to friends and family: engagements, marriages, pregnancies, babies-all things that I daven for daily. That old saying of "timing is everything" seems to be the story of my life, and my timing is definitely off.

For all the wonderful people who have touched my life and are starting new adventures, both male and female, I'm genuninely thrilled for them. I know the pain of loneliness and the hopes of finding bashert, and I feel relieved when others find happiness-it gives me a security that there is something out there coming my way.

I'm the first to admit my imperfections and even publicly laugh at them, but I also know that I can offer things that most women can't or don't wish to. I am warm and affectionate and not afraid to let myself go in any capacity. I'm capable of making myself vulnerable. I would lay everything out there for the right partner, be incredibly loyal and commited. I will not marry for a helpmate or a financial backer. That wouldn't be hard for me to find, and I could have done so many times over already. I'm waiting for someone who touches my soul in a way I never thought possible and who wants to build a Jewish home with me-appearance and affluence not important, let alone what most would consider to be "baggage." As if I don't have plenty of my own.

I have been fortunate enough to make a few connections with different men in the past year or so. These connections have always been unexpected-I wasn't looking and certainly didn't feel ready, but usually out of friendship, a spark became apparent. I don't expect a man to wait for me, for my conversion, and I certainly don't think one would-not in this society, where someone can meet and marry within a matter of months. But, stopping these unexpected connections and going back to my life as is, is not exactly easy. Feeling that chemistry and having to walk away from it can be painful. The hardest thing is pretending that I don't have emotional and physical needs and desires. To have that spark come out and have to just push it back down. Not that I would trade that feeling for anything in the world, but it certainly takes so much self control.

About one year ago, I had a very lengthy email correspondance with a man who told me it killed him to put the breaks on and not ask me for more. He said that he looked forward to pursuing things when I was "available" (kosher) and left a way open for me to get into contact with him when it was time. He's engaged now. I do wish him the best, but I hate to admit that there was a tiny twinge of "why not for me" deep down somewhere, as though I couldn't even admit to myself that I had truly hoped that he would have waited.

What are the chances? A really wonderful man isn't on the market for long. I have another situation with someone whom I'm friends with-but who I watch actively date. I think after the engagement of the first man, I see things differently with the second. He's a wonderful person, so when I know he has a date, I hope and daven that she's the right one for him. Perhaps it's easier to let go each time it happens. It wasn't until recently that I could admit that I have this small selfish side.

I recently had a very meaningful introduction, completely unexpected, at a time when I wasn't exactly feeling my best physically. I was afraid to make eye contact at first because I just didn't feel that I could deal with rejection right now. Isn't that odd? I just assumed that he wouldn't be interested and would reject me. Well, perhaps I was just afraid to get my hopes up, being that I know that no one can wait-so it's easier to just ignore any male within a mile radius.

When I allowed myself to open up, and look, I saw this beautiful neshama across a dinner table from me-this spiritual, commited man whose life may look so different than mine, but had so many comparable experiences and feelings it was as if I didn't have to explain a thing. I would feel his gaze upon me every so often and I would meet it, and although I felt I might blush, it was just so amazing, so beautifully innocent and intoxicating. Sitting inches away and feeling a chemistry that could be cut with a knife-but not purely a sexual chemistry-something emotional and spiritual. His eyes held passion at times, but they were mostly just full of sensitivity and admiration, full of warmth.

If for nothing else, I now have hope and tangible evidence of this kind of chemistry existing without a single touch. I have proof of how close I can feel to another while being feet away. Of how a gaze can feel like a caress. That proof will make it easier for me to get through this process, because at least now I know that all I questioned is possible-and if not with him, then I will know that how I felt with him is exactly how I should feel with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now I have to find the strength to put this experience away. I have to stand on the sidelines as he, just like the others, keeps looking for a happiness and a relationship that doesn't include me. I have hope-I have emunah-that Hashem will send the right man for me, and it may not be in the package that I had expected. I trust that I will feel that kind of connection again. But it's hard, knowing it's right in front of me and I can't grasp it, I can't ask for it. I can't have expectations or ask a man to wait for me because that wouldn't be fair to an amazing individual who has every right to chase his happiness, to complete his life. I understand this. And I care about these men-and I know what is meant to be is meant to be, and that they may touch my life for one month, or one day, and I can't count on more. They affected my life so that I could learn. So that I could prepare.

I felt different on this last occasion than I ever had in my life. I felt attraction that really had nothing to do with animal magnetism-I felt attracted to the complete soul-good and bad-and I felt utmost respect for how this man was trying so hard to conduct his life in a way conducive to the needs of his family. When we talked, he unexpectedly said that he couldn't offer me enough, that he wasn't good enough. I was taken by such surprise by his compliments of my own character-feeling modest at the thought that someone I felt such respect for would compliment me in such a way that I didn't deserve. I never expected him to offer me some sort of explanation as to why things couldn't work right now because we had simply exchanged some meaningful glances. I wasn't prepared to handle this. It's not as though we had been dating. Alll I wanted to do was embrace him and stroke him and tell him that how he made me feel when he looked at me was different than anything I ever felt, let alone imagined. I felt precious and adored. I ended up telling him that I felt 17 again, and that I felt excited and somehow secure knowing that the chemistry was possible, but I wasn't able to share the rest and I tried to make light of it by saying "Don't worry-I'm not asking for a commitment-I don't know why you would think I would right now. I can't make a shidduch-I have to convert first, so feel free to live your life." That was a strange thing to tell someone who had never actually taken me out. The connection developed that quickly, over a matter of 24 hours. I think that is what surprised me most-that in that amount of time, he was honest enough to admit a special chemistry and give me an explanation, although he didn't owe me one. He said he didn't want to push because he doesn't want to place my conversion in jeopardy-which again, just shows the depth of his character. I have to accept that he, like the others, will most likely meet a woman and marry her before I'm even converted-and I will be happy for him, but I have to admit that I will probably have a tinge of jealousy, of selfishness. I wish I had a purer heart that wouldn't feel this way. Not even for 3 seconds, but I know that is how I will feel when I know he isn't available. I wish I had the chutzpah to ask him to wait-what a selfish thing that would be for me to do. I see the exact shade of his eyes when I close mine, and I hope that starts to fade quickly. I don't want to make him uncomfortable if we ever meet again-or to feel that he owes me something. If I see him again and he is involved, I would hope that things could just be friendly and comfortable. I suppose I will just have to be comforted in my faith that there will be someone comparable when Hashem wishes it-no human can ever be the same as another, but the traits I admired and the way that I felt will be a possibility. When the timing is right...