Closing Windows and Opening Doors

The past few weeks have held some significant changes on a personal level. I had to come to terms that "Dinner Guy" from over Sukkos was just not meant to be. I reached out several times, but his negativity about the possibilites, his worth, or why I shouldn't convert just got to me. I get enough of that from the community-I don't need it in my personal life. I felt a huge connection to him-perhaps sympathy or empathy, and I never want to hurt another being, so I felt bad telling him that I needed to move on.

Over the past month, I have come into contact with a profound neshama. He is the brother of one of my dearest friends where I spend most of every Shabbos. When we first started talking, he was asking what I was learning, or what brought me into Judaism. He lent me books and answered questions I had. He seemed baffled at how I understood profound Judaic principles with little learning under my belt. He respected my intellect. He admired my truthseeking.

He offered to help me learn. He sent over 50 volumes of sefarim to my home. I guess this is an appropriate time to mention that he's a rabbi. I would stay up all hours of the night talking with him. He made me realize that I don't have to be ashamed of my past, because my past is what brought me to this point in my life. That I didn't need to offer appologies for not understanding certain things, and that I didn't have to settle in my search for a mate simply because I would be a convert. I felt my self confidence coming back to normal levels, and his respect for me was that of a man who could appreciate the journey I am on. Naturally, one night after hours of talking, I was overwhelmed when he told me that he was interested in pursuing more with me. That he thought I was the brightest and most honest of women, and had such a beautiful soul, and that no one he had encountered could ever measure to me. I was flattered. I was also skeptical.

The next day I spoke with his mother, whom I am also very close with. I expressed my concern in exploring a relationship with him, because I just couldn't stand the thought of putting my relationship with his family into jeopardy. I told her that I understood that her liking me as a neighbor was completely different than having me as a potential daughter in law. Her reaction was one of elation-where she hugged me and told me that nothing could make her happier. This immediate acceptance allowed me to feel free to start to explore my feelings for him. He started coming to my house and helping me with my children. I started to see him as a possible father. I respect him immensely-and felt a huge intellectual connection, and kind of thought that there was a possibility of more at the right time.

This past week, a lot changed. I woke up one morning with butterflies. I was very surprised. Everything in my previous life started out strong and passionate, and then fizzled out. This started as a friendship, which developed into deep admiration, and then onto the butterflies. He expressed his intentions of wishing to date me, and exclusively with the hopes of it leading to marriage. We're going to meet with my parents this week. That seems like the easy part-Meeting with my Rav will be the hard part.

I have been having issues with a fellow applicant for conversion. She is a bit younger than me, has been dating a BT for 5 years, and all of a sudden is interested in conversion when she knew years ago that he wouldn't marry a gentile. She was accepted to study, just as I was, but is not required to move from her parents house which is more than 30 minutes away. I feel very hurt by this. Anyone who has read my blog from the beginning knows what I had to go through to get to this point-the torture I put myself through trying to figure out if I should move without any security as to my conversion. So, I'm looking at her situation, when it's obvious it is for marriage, and she's still able to "date" her boyfriend when I haven't been on a date in a year. It's just not sitting well with me. I think at this point it is obvious that I'm not converting for marriage. And now I've met this phenomenal man who wants to date me and I'm not allowed to? What's with the double-standards here, when I'm not allowed to go out for coffee with someone who has the best intentions?

So, I'm waiting to schedule a meeting. His family is frum and has tremendous yichus, and is ready to stand behind me. It's clear that I'm close to the family, but we're directing a plan to put me into situations where I'm seen with four generations of the family and that their support is obvious. I'm looking to speed my conversion up a little bit. I'm not looking for an easy way out-I'm going to ask to study at double or triple time in order to get through the materials. I think I have proved my good intentions at this point. That I'm in this for the long haul, man or not.

About an hour ago he left me breathless again. He told me that he loved me...