No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

The verdict is in. It will compromise the Vaad for future conversions if they allow mine to occur before the allotted time, so my Rav advised that I go out of town. He will be happy to work with a reputable Bet din, and to give me full recommendations. I'm trying to see the good in this, but I still feel complete frustration. It's kind of like starting all over again. Seeking a new Rabbi. Seeking acceptance. Proving myself yet again. G-d willing when I find the right people who wish to help, it will still most likely take several months. In the scheme of my life it's not eternity, but when I have a man who loves me and I adore whom I'm so looking forward to starting a life with, it's disheartening.

Perhaps I should look for a sheitel while in Brooklyn. I was a little pissed with one of the local sheitelmachers. I was close to spending 1800, apparently a great deal for what I was getting (LOL) I told her that it was 80% there, but for the money, I just felt that it should be perfect. My natural hair is pretty wavy, and I have a lot of it. I love how I look when I have my own hair straightened, but with the sheitel, it just looked, well, too much like a sheitel. She told me that it would be 2600 to get a curly sheitel, which didn't make very much sense. 800 extra for wave? I told her that was out of the question, and she advised perming the one I liked. My response, in my shock was, "Are you f***ing kidding me?" Pay 1800 and hope the perm takes? And what if I don't like it? Oh, I have to keep it? This pissed me off. I'm not about to be held hostage.

I have been thinking about getting a fall. It would cost less and I wouldn't have to worry about the hair line all of the time. Today, I was shocked to try on a 300 synthetic that my mother-in-law to be just ordered. Of course it wasn't in the same ballpark as natural, but for something I may wear once or twice a week, it was very pretty. I may just go this route. It will give me a way to have "hair" while shopping for the perfect one.

My kallah classes are going well. I wish I could just sit down for three hours and get it over with. I know most of what is being taught, and feel capable of taking in more information than my teacher feels I can handle. I think I only have one or two left, so at least there's an end in sight.

Oh, the joys of Judaism....

Patience

It has never been my virtue. I so wish that I could say it was, that I was somewhere close to being a patient woman, mother and wife, but I have a very difficult time putting my life in the hands of others.

Today is the second Vaad meeting. The first was a month ago. After the first one, the Rabbaim decided that they needed more time to think about my conversion. In the middle of my process, there was a change as to how long a potential convert should be in "the pipeline." So, I'm sitting here, not having attended the meeting today, wondering what they will decide. To be honest, I don't trust them much anymore. I have seen a side that most converts probably aren't privy to. I have had to accept and admit that politics play a more important role in their decisions than my neshama or my actions. What else can I possibly do? I have done everything that they have asked of me. I feel as though this has become about how much information I can memorize, or how many shiurim I attend, instead of my faith and desire to be a Jew. Every part of my life is immersed in Judaism. When it comes down to it, does showing my face at a Kashrus class mean more than keeping a kosher life?