Rules of Engagement

Perhaps I should call this post"Rules of Breaking an Engagement."

I've been pretty down in the dumps since doing so. With my conversion not going through at the time I was lead to belive it would, I think we started taking out our frustration on one another, and there were several things about him that were sending off alarm bells in my head. At first, through the sadness, I felt a bit of relief. No more bickering, etc. Now I'm just feeling pretty hopeless. I'm wondering if I expected too much or deserve as much as I'm expecting. This would be the second time around for me-should I have been so demanding?

What makes me equally, or admittedly more sad than breaking up with him, is the loss of his family, and even the idea of being with him. When I made the choice to convert, I knew I may never get married. He and his family offered me things that were beyond my wildest dreams.

He was very accepting of me in every way-from my being a divorced mother, and from being a convert-He never made me feel that I wasn't good enough. If anything, He felt that I had a deeper connection to Hashem because of it. He was an incredible father to my children, and they are missing him terribly right now. I had never even let another man meet my children in the almost 5 years I have been a single mom. He was a Dad in every sense of the word-so much more than their biological father-and he was there every night helping with homework and davening, baths and bedtime.

His family was incredible to me-actually, they still are. Our parents got along, they love me so very much-they made me feel like a real daughter. They offered to help us buy a home. That's another thing-I always had planned on moving East eventually-with his family a block away, the idea of settling where I am, still close to my own family-became very appealing.

I guess I'm still at the point where I miss him so badly that I'm forgetting about the bad things and only seeing the good. And there was a lot of good-I just don't know if it was good enough. I want a wonderful father for my children, but I also want a wonderful relationship for myself where I feel special and appreciated. I would have liked to receive flowers once in this 5 odd months-or go out on more than one real date. Our relationship started out so unexpectedly-we were friends for a good while first, and we never really dated.

I don't know how I can trust myself again, trust my heart again. I truly believed and felt deep in my bones that this was right, and that this was what Hashem had planned for me.

I think that this may be my biggest conversion test. And I honestly don't know if I'm going to pass it. I went to my mother's yesterday with my kids-I just needed a day away. I have never been away for shabbos, and I was hoping to come back missing Shabbos so terribly, but I kind of liked being home. I know I wasn't truly happy with my old life-I know that I wanted a more meaningful and spirtual existence, but at times like this, slipping back into my WASP-y way of things sounds just fine. Becoming the prodigal daughter within my family-I could do no wrong after this.

I came into this process expecting nothing and ended up with everything on a silver platter. I would have been a Rebbitzen, to an extremely learned man, who would have filled my home and brought my children up with Torah. I would have married into an extremely well respected and influetntial family. My worries about never fitting in didn't exist-I stopped being so hypercritical about myself because no one would have said anything against me. I felt that I had a real Jewish family-who loved and protected me. I always had a place to go for the holidays. I was so proud to know them, and to become a part of them, for they are an incredibly warm and giving people. My life with a white-picket fence was just around the corner, and it still wasn't good enough to me. I can't help but wonder if I have some masochistic side of me-that just can't let myself be happy, to accept 'good enough.' I know what my reasons were, but were they bad enough to let this go? I truly feel that I had one and only chance for marriage, for a family, and I lost it. And now, in my mourning for what could have been, I'm doubting my Yiddishkeit for the first time ever. I'm doubting if I'm strong enough, or if I truly want this badly enough-having seen what I could have had and now accepting that none of it may ever come true...