I received an offical mazel tov last evening. The vaad approved my conversion for late August.

I felt immediate relief, but also a disconcerting feeling of ambivalence. Not so much about my conversion, but about what else I want in my life. I have put so much time and effort into my Jewish life that I've lost the other part of myself. And, I came to the conclusion last week that most of my effort in the past 6 months has gone into worrying about the social issues of being Jewish instead of the spritual side of things. This was a very difficult thing to admit.



I spent last week at the shore with my "extended" family. I felt very relaxed, and part of me felt relieved to get away from the frummies. I took my kids to the beach every day and I never had to worry about tznius, because my one piece suit and sarong looked like full body armor next to the teenagers micro-bikinis. A few days into the vacation, I felt a depressed. This was a more affluent vacation spot-very waspy and preppy. At one time in my life that was the epitome of myself, and I no longer fit in. I looked at this people in such a different light. It was never so apparent to me how much I have changed and would continue to change. I did a lot of soul searching and have made a commitment to put more of my time into my spiritual connection with Hashem and to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about me socially. When I came to Judaism, I had to not care about what my own parents thought of me, but then I started hoping for approval from Jews who I had trusted and grown close to, and often felt let down. I have to get back to the place where I was last summer. Where my convictions were strong and I was a good person no matter what anyone else may have thought.



I think that the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my relationship. It has certainly had it's ups and downs. I love this man with all my heart and at moments feel as though I never had, but I have been having a lot of doubts. Not about my love for him or his for me. About our ability to work in the future, and it's so hard to know because we didn't have a typical relationship. We never really dated. My kids are so attached to him. When we have tried to keep our distance I felt whole-heartedly devastated-as though I couldn't breathe without him around. Our connection always seemed to bring us back together. He had made me better myself, and become more secure in myself. At times I feel as though we could take on the world, and at other times I feel very scared, and I just don't know if it's my own ins



Knowing him for the good part of a year and having any touching/kissing ending up causing a fight and guilt on his part has been difficult. I do everything I can to shove my feelings down, but I think my insecurities cause a lot of tension between us. I'm sexually frustrated, and who knows how long this will go on. I hate admitting this, but it makes me very cranky and not always easy to be around. The fact that he's so controlled makes me worry that I'm not attractive enough-or that his attraction for me isn't strong enough. He knows that flowers are important for me and has never bought them for me. I worry about his learning, and his not wanting to be social. It comes off as extreme arrogance on his part. I wish we could chat with another couple, and he's just not interested, which gives me a dim view of what my shabbos table will look like. I could add up 20 things on this level, and I feel that maybe it won't work, and then I think I'm being petty and immature. Life isn't about flowers and holding hands in public. But, do we really want the same things? Am I settling? Am I good enough for him?

The pressure of being involved with someone in the public eye has gotten to me. I worry about everything I say, If I'm too loud, etc. I have always had an off-colour sense of humour which has caused him great embarrassment. Does this mean that I'm not right for the frum world at large, or just not the right fit for a Rabbi? A few months ago it seemed that my whole life was working out, and now, more than ever, it just seems up in the air. Before I knew that I wanted to marry him. Now I know that I love him, but I'm not sure, and I'm terrified of another mistake, of another divorce. Does it all come down to him paying me extra attention and planning dates and buying flowers? What if he did all of these things and I still didn't think it was right? A year ago I knew that I might never get married. After having an impending marriage seem so close, I can't imagine going back to that-accepting that it could never happen. I'm terrified of settling and equally terrified of walking away from what could have been the best thing for me.Today is my 29th birthday. I feel that I should be more sure of myself at this point in my life. I feel that I should know myself better. This year has been nothing but Judaics. I don't have a job that I enjoy, and I took a year off of school and am feeling frustrated that I'm so behind with my education. In order to convert, I had to give up so many things this year that were and are important to me, and I'm just not feeling as secure and strong as I used to. I think that my self esteem has suffered by not taking classes. I want so much to be with him, but if it's not imminent, then I'm wondering if we should just be apart, or see other people. Should I keep dragging it out an impossible situation? Should I say "Let's date again when we're able to date and both ready to move forward?" Would it be better for me to go into my Jewish life alone?